"13 Evil Things to do at a showing of The Passion"
"Thirteen Evil Things to do at a showing of The Passion"
* Wear a t-shirt that reads, "I did it! Ask me how!" Especially if you're Jewish.
* Loudly bemoan the theater's not showing the Hellboy trailer. Express your opinion that Hellboy could "kick Jesus' ass."
* Whistle and say, "Ooh, baby!" whenever Monica Bellucci appears as Mary Magdelene. Comment that you think she's "a lot hotter" than Tina Turner in "the last one".
* Everytime Jesus is lashed, shout, "Thank you, sir! Can I have another?"
* Express surprise at not having heard that the sex scene between Mary Magdalene and Jesus had been cut from the final print. Explain that she ends up having a baby who carries Jesus' bloodline down to the Knights Templar, and "that's how she wound up with the Merovingian in Matrix: Reloaded."
* Complain about the subtitles. Comment from time to time that you didn't know this was a "foreign film". Once or twice, laugh hysterically after a random line in Aramaic and exclaim, "That's not what he said!"
* Ask the person sitting in front of you whether he thinks Jesus could beat a Balrog in a fair fight.
* At the end of the flogging scene, comment to the person sitting next to you, "I've got to get me one of those!"
* When the first nail is driven into Jesus' wrist, exclaim, "That's really gotta hurt!" Comment that "he's gonna need one of those robot hands, like Luke and Anakin wound up with."
* After Jesus expires, ask people whether this means that the terrorists (or Sauron, if you prefer) won.
* Repeatedly comment to the person next to you that this is the most realistic snuff film you've ever seen. Mention that you've got a Japanese film at home just like it, except it's a girl and they gouge her eyes out. Suggest that "if you like this one, you'd probably like that one, too."
* Comment to other audience members that the characters don't look anything like they did in Beyond Thunderdome, and complain that this isn't a very good sequel.
* On your way out, ask other members of the audience if they have any idea whether there's a novelization of the movie. Mention that you hope that Neil Gaiman writes it.
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