Sorry it has taken me forever to reply to your last post my mind has been occupied with other things im afraid.
Lol dont worry, its not like you have any obligation toward this forum....but if you want to talk about those things that have occupied your mind, feel free to do it, we'll be there to listen
Before i start i just want to say I hope evrything is going well with whats-her-name. I cant believe this had been going on when you were having fit over being unlikeable etc etc! I hope that relationship is proving you wrong!!
Oh no! Au contraire! This has proven me even more that I was right...Oh well but I will get back to it in a later post...This can be an interresting story to tell indeed (in case you didnt notice yet, I love writing again and again, in fact the more I wrote, e-mail, forum, MSN, etc..., the more I feel at ease, even thought this is only virtuality...anyway), but I just dont feel like writing it right now...because, well I dont know anyway.
exsqueeze me but that doesnt seem right at all. You know psychologically, when it comes to marriage men will get married when they feel the time is right to whoever they are in a relationship with at that time. Women however wait for the right person and settle down when they feel they are with the person they are suposed to be with. Thats not just my opinion there was a study on it. Girls are very sensitive and it would be alot easier for a girl to sacrifice social status and reputation etc. to be with someone she felt connected too in some way.
Well too bad I dont fall in neither of those category it seems, or maybe its more that I fall a little bit into each one Even if it was a study or anything, even if its the representation of a majority of people, its not like it can apply to all of us...I dont know but the fact that once again we can categorize both party in one of two extreme seem kind of cold to me...LOL you said girl are more sensitive and all, but here we go, we fall into the big cliche once again, so that mean that a guy who have the sensibility of "A Girl" (admit it, even you think that theres a guy sensibility, and theres the girl sensibilty, its totally two differnent thing), would be considered weird....Really "social status and reputation" what exactly are those things...oh yeah, I think they went down the trash when I got rid of the social aspect of me few years ago...really those who still cling into these kind of things have missed one big point in life and will be caught forever in eternal anxiety in my opinion...
Anyway, Im not sure if I was clear enough with this, and you may read this all wrong, so I will say it more clearly. I want to find a girl who will be able to support me like I will be able to support her, I will marry her because I feel it would be the right person, and not because the clock has rung... The social aspect around a relationship is kinda....meaningless to me...but too bad, this is not the opinion of the people who was in your study it seems. Well the more I read it, the more it seems I would fall into the "Girl category" LOL, more problem for me it seems.... And really SORRY to say it like that again...BUT this is not what most (and even almost) girl want...maybe these kind of things are obvious to you, because you're really appart from "The Crowd" it seems, and thats what make you more special, particular and interresting BUT PLEASE, open your eyes, the girls out there are not like people on this forum, these kind of things are really not that obvious as you may think for many (maybe its because I read too much about people thought on the Net, about how they see a relationship and all...but most of the times, all I see and read, just make me want...to throw up...and Im not kidding)
know what you mean and it gets incredibly frustrating but personally i would value a guy far more if they werent afraid of who they were.
Its hard to judge....in a way, people who play a role, and wouldnt like who they are really inside, are the one who seem to be the more sure of themselves, while people who want to show who they really are, are either hiding in the shadow, not because they're affraid of themesleves, but are affraid to scare people away with their true personality, or their true personality really do scare people away....I guess I fall in the first group, Im just hiding in the shadow...
how can you love yourself and accept yourself totally if you havent a clue what you like abouit yourself??? you're kinda contradicting yourself. Maybe you havent grasped the whole process of acceptance. You have to recognise and appreciate your strengths and enjoy them and look your weaknesses in the face, understand them and then if need be in the future you can change hem.
But you do want radical change in your life from what i've interpretted from your text, and acceptance is necessary for thst to occur otherwise your head wil be in the wrong place.
Ok well, you asked for it:
-Im a guy who dont compromise about anything (for some people its something bad, for me its a strong quality, it means that I will not change who I am for anyone...and in a way, I hope it would also mean for my love one).
-Im always respectful and tolerent about everything (or if Im not, I try my best to change my mind and accept everything around me). I will never bring down someone...except if he was really asking for it (when someone hit me non-stop with words...at one point, I'll strike back, and right through the heart...but really, you'll have to almost kill me before that happen )
-Ok, even though Im a lazy ass, in front of an important situation, I can find the motivation to move mountain (but really it has to be something important )
-And in a way, I love my lazy ass, I mean, Im quite happy with how I live and all. What I really mean, I love my life peace and quiet, and wouldnt want to be forced to go right and left all the times. I found joy in...doing nothing, and accept that totally (its not a quality, but im mixing my quality with the fact I accepted in my life...really when someone told me to do something else, Im really asking "Why? Im quite happy with what Im doing right now...if you feel like doing it, then do it...but dont force thing onto me")
-Im the best listener you could find around, Im never tired of listenting to people life, problem, or anything. If the person tell me that I can give her advice, than I will gladly do it (if I can, Im not the best talker in the world), but really, I could stand there, listening someone if he/she needs it for hours
-Really, I dont find myself that ugly LOL, that may be physical, but some person have a problem when they look themself in the mirror. But over the years, I took the time to find myself, uh....beautiful...and couldnt care less about what other people might think (its not really something about beauty, its more about destroying any value we really put in physical standard....that include about me, and that include about the others....of course, I can still appreciate beauty when I see it)
-Most of the times, I have a perfect control over my mind. I know how to relax, meditate and everything, so that I can learn to appreciate my life around me...really MOST of the times, Im a wall that no comment can hurt.....BUT, there's just one small crack in this wall and that my lack of love relationship, even tought its stupid, when you hit me there, every others problem I thrown away just seem to come back since the wall is destroyed...Its the only fault I cant correct in my inner-self, sorry about that, theres nothing I can do.
-Stupid one now: I cant swear (I mean, you know, saying bad words), really, even if I tried my best, even if I would want to, I cant swear, words dont come from my mouth. If I have to repeat a sentence with a swear in it, without realizing it (no kiddin), I will replace the word...I guess its a good thing
-In the same vein, I cant lie , Im a really bad liar, If a try to lie, most of the time, I would have to turn my face away, because I would have a big smile on my face...In a way, that make me very predictable, but an honnest person.
-Im really proud of all my achviement in life, would it be studies, personal accomplishment and project, or even some superficial things like my own collections of games, anime and manga...Everything that took me times to achieve, well, I try to enjoy what it bring me.
-And while we're at it, Im quite proud also about my own value in life, my vision of what a relationship should be, what I think about society, what I like and dislike, I wouldnt change that for anything in the world (well once again its more an acceptation of myself this time, back then, I thought my vision of the world and how I was, were anormal...but really today, I turned everything around, and think that people who cant accept me like that are the screwed person in this world...and most of the times, Im thinking "well its your lost for not diggin deeper into my personality")
Well I could go on forever like that, but I think you got my point...Im what I am, and I dont lack of any love of myself...BUT even with all that, loneliness is still here because to help solve that, we need to have people around us, and our own love of ourself (even if its a good first step), may not bring anyone in our life...
im just gonna wait to hear about msn lady know becasue thats the interesting part!!!!!!
Well like I said, a maybe later, me too, Im not too much in the mood for talking about it right now. But really, whats kind of thing do you want to learn with that? I wonder....
Edited by: xellos667 at: 12/14/05 9:14 am
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Hi again, you dont have to worry, I mean, Im the one who dont want to leave here after all Anyway, as for whats new in my life, well nothing much, ultimately, it fails with the second MSN girl...so Im kinda tired, Human contact are way too complicated. Just one wrong word, even if you dont want to be mean and all...and everything crumble...So Im once again back to square one...and still as depressesd as ever...hurray!!! Except for that, I took the resolution of being more positive and all, But with all those failures in my life...well its kinda hard to do...That is all. Except for that, my life is really a boring one anyway
Yes a lot of people are fake/superficial/ignorant/insensitive/lacking in meaningful intelligence. But luckily, and honestly, a lot of people aren't.
It comes down to meeting them, that is the hard part. I don't expect to meet people like that who I can get along with, I hope to, but I don't think it is realistic hope.
My parents stuffed me up too because of my upbringing. I am incapable of understanding and dealing with people and the world, also, no one understands me.
I can see why what you mentioned about men settling with whoever when they are ready is true, I've noticed that myself. I am not like that though, I need to settle with that one special person and I only want that one relationship, I'm going to wait until I know the girl is the "one" before I start a romantic relationship with her... that is not the normal way to do things these days but it is what I want for many complicated reasons. It will make things extremely hard but I don't really care any more.
Also, I'm trying to be true to myself - I never used to be like that and it was bad. I am not afraid anymore though because I have nothing to lose and so I have no fear, and I can say that I am true to myself today... I just wish other people were too.
"The thing I like about myself...mmmhhh I would have to think about that a little. I mean I love myself, and accept myself totally, but maybe thats just because Im just a lazy ass who dont want any radical change in his life"
You sound like me, I believe the same thing about myself.
Xelios: "Human contact are way too complicated. Just one wrong word, even if you dont want to be mean and all...and everything crumble..." LOL!, I feel that pain too! Life is stupid haha, there is no justice for good people.
I've done the positivity thing too, many, many times lol... it's good to do though, ultimately we have to be positive but there is one important caveat - we shouldn't be postive all of the time. If we have reason to be negative then let us react and be negative, that's the healthiest thing to do. So don't get upset about being negative when things suck, it's only natural and it really does happen to everyone.
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its cool to see that you're starting to reply to everyone "him"...if you can help me...then I guess this place wont be so empty anymore. And I have to admit that I cant find much more motivation to post big chunk of texte like Im used to normally. Just seeing this place getting a little bit more active...it really makes me happy
Anyway, as I've said many times on many others topic, yes it seems we're not the NORM of what the good male should be ...but I couldnt care less...problem is that it also mean that most of the times (to not say always), girls are not really by the type of guy like us, over-sensitive and all. Im not sure if its a lost cause. And since, like I've talk to hushed on this very topic sooner, we're not the type of perosn who like long talk in real life...its hard to see something else than a lifeless being ...
bah anyway, right now, since I know that all my problems revolve around the fact that i have no love, Im speaking a lot in a forum about virginity. It meay sound stupid, but a lot of people like us, either boys and girls, are there, and the conversation going on are not sexual at all...Its really more about how come we cant deal with social contact to meet our special one and all..Its really cool and I was able to receive many contact for my MSN list by the mean of this forum (either boys and girls again)...so i guess "him" that searching for a specific forum like that might be a good start too (since here its more about loneliness in general)...I know it helps me a lot.
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Yeah I agree that girls don't go generally go for quiet sensitive guys... I think we do have it much harder than we should.
I don't know if it is a lost cause either. I feel like it is for me though, I admit that I am not an easy person for a girl to like, it's just me. I find that girls do like me (and I'm sure they like you too) but I am just too difficult a personality for most girls to understand and get along with. So I just need to find the right girl - she does exist, but what holds me back is whether or not I'd be confident enough to approach her if I saw her... I think I would be.
Well with me talking is kind of weird... a lot of the time I just prefer to be silent but other times I can talk with someone until dawn. This makes it hard though - people who see me when I'm quiet won't want to know me, whereas people who see me when I'm talkative will like to get to know me but the next time I go quiet they won't want to know me.
So I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't!
Yeah thanks for the suggestion of looking at specific forums, that's a good idea.
I think that finding love is an interesting problem. I think the first step in solving it is to not say "tomorrow I want to find love" or "I am going to look for love" - instead you have to make sure that you will wait for it to just come to you... it is not a good idea to look for it.
This doesn't mean that you should not take any opportunities that arise, you should. But thinking this makes a difference in some ways.
Firstly, if you don't appear like you are looking for love you will find it much easier - simply because people are attracted to things they can't have... if a woman sees that you are not looking for love she will think you are unavailable or not looking and she will be more attracted to you this way. It seems strange but I think it is true.
Also it may help to calm your worries and fears a little bit, making you more approachable.
I think I read that you are in your early 20's (I think so anyway)...that is still young and so don't panic over not having found love yet there is a lot of opportunity. This doesn't make up for the fact that you are still without love, but hopefully it will give you a little bit of hope.
Also, many girls out there are just like guys like us. There are many shy and lonely girls out there who want what we do. Often, they are not the people you would suspect. So what you have to do is get to know as many girls as possible - go for everyone, even if they don't seem your type. Thing is that people often put on a mask in public and shy people will often put on an outgoing mask to fit in - if you are lucky that seeming confident and outgoing girl may actually be just like you. The only way to know is to meet her.
Basically you need to expect that most times approaching girls won't work and that things won't progress with most girls - so you need to meet a LOT of girls and go for coffee with as many as possible.
Now I used to be extremely shy and had terrible people skills. Today I am very quiet but I have decent people skills. It doesn't actually matter that I am quiet and introverted and a little shy - even outgoing popular girls will like a guy like this if the guy has decent people skills. So though it might seem impossible for you to approach girls and go on dates with them it is actually very possible. It just requires you to face your fears, because in reality, shyness is about fear.
Shy people are just quiet people who are afraid of social situations. If you face the fears you will still be quiet, you'll still be yourself, you just won't be shy. Being shy is not being true to yourself, it is being true to your fears.
That's what I think anyway... like I said, I used to be shy but faced my fears and now I am not shy.
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Him..nice to see a fresh face so to speak.
I hear what you say about having to show a certain aspect of yourself to certain people. When im wih my frineds I always have to keep up appearances by being chatty and happy because if io slip into one of my quiet moods im afraid they'l lose interest or take it personally whjioch people tend to do.
I was going to comment on something else buit iv completely forgoptten what it ios so il do it later...
Xellos..it seems o me that you are placing to high hopes on finding this one person. I have that touble to. Last year I went to Brazil and prior to going i had convinced myself that it would be the answer to all my problems i would experience something new, figure out what i wantd to do in life and find the purpose of my life somewhere along the way but unsurprisingly it didnt play out like that. Having a relationship wont be the solve all of your problems , it might solve a few but it will create some too. Consider actively fsorting yourslef out rather than waiting for a knight in shining armour (or knightess in this case) so come and save you. It isnt going to happen..
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Yes people do take our non-talkative natures personally don't they.
Though it does seem like we have act a certain way to peopel and project a certain image it isn't really a good thing to do and makes us worse of really. We do hav eto just accept who we are and let everyone see this.
You will see a lot of people who are "different" and yet they have millions of friends...well the reason is that they have no fear in just being themselves and showing this to people.
People will see right through any facade you put up and this is the main problem - by putting up a facade people see that things aren't right, and once they see that things aren't right thye just won't be interested anymore. If on the other hand you be yourself, no matter how depressing that may seem, you will at least be yourself and no one will be able to see through this. Some people won't like the real you, but that isn't your problem, it's theres. A lot of people will like the real you though, and they will be getting the real deal so that friendship will mean a lot more.
What's happening in your life at them moment? (if you don't mind my asking).
How are things going? What's getting you down these days? How is the people situation going?
But the thing is I'm pretty good at keeping up pretences so people dont see through it. The people i am most fake with are ironically the poeple closest to me so they dont really suspect.
Anyway...i'm ok thanks for asking. My life is incredibly boring and there is nothing in it that i enjoy apart from eating so naturally I overeat. That is a big problemfor me at the moment. The other problem is with people. Like i said im quiet, because im introverted and also becasue i have kind of lost my confidence around people. I am terrible at meeting new people. I just never have anything to say to them. Like Xellos i hate small talk. If i have to meet new people, which ultimately i want to but im too scared, i dont want to talk about crappy things but serious thiongs. I much prefer to know how the person thinks about politics, relationships etc.etc. than what they did at the weekend or whether they prefer angelina jolie or jennifer anison. You get my drift. But i havent befriended someone in so long Iv forgotten how to do it. If i meet someone I never initiate conversation and if they dont then i will just never speak to them. I am way too scared to put myself out there. Plus i dont have amazing self confidence so i just feel like people are wasting their time talking to me anyway. Alot of the timei just try to be invisible. I feel like saying to people, 'its okay you dont have to be nice and talk to me about nothing and pretend your interested i'd much rather you just left me alone with my thoughts.' I have seriuos problems with my social skills as you can tell.
I would love to meet somebody I can have an interesteing conversation with but its a bit hard to get to that stage. Plus im not very approachable. I;'ve been depressed for the past two years and i dont care about my looks a) because Iv lost all pride in myself and b) I hate the whole beauty myth thing. But as a result im not attractive. At all. So people dont really want to know we for starters. Moreover if im on my own i always have a really forlorn expression! its true. People avoid eye contact with me. The police even stopped me once to ask if i ws alright because i obviously looked like i was about to jump off a cliff or something!!
Anyway what is your story. in all honesty you seem way too optomistic and chirpy to be here. where are you from and what brings you here?
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Well I guess that it all comes down to doing what you want to do.
There are people out there who you will be able to get along with without having to act and be someone you aren't. I have been searching for these people forever and am yet to find them but I think they are there... do you think so too?
I chose to abandon all those people around whom I have to be someone else. I just did and continue to do my own thing, I am myself and let everyone see this. I am much happier for doing this, but I am of course also very lonely because I have no friends.
I am unique haha, I am kind of dorky, I don't mind though! And people do like it too you know, so I have nothing to be afraid of - and nor do you (I'm not saying your dorky! Just that you can be yourself and people really won't mind).
I see many people who are much more "unique" and they have many friends. Simply by being themselves and letting people see them for who they are they are able to attract suitable people.
So my question is, are you hoping to meet people you can be yourself around? If yes, then are you doing anything to achieve this?
You know, one thing that I do to keep up pretences is to always tell people that I'm "good" you know what I mean. I think it's hard to say "I'm terrible", and it is also detrimental to any relationship. But I just hate it how we can't really ever tell people how we are really feeling.
Well my life is insanely boring too, I know how you feel, I have nothing to do, no one to talk to and don't leave my room for too much raelly.
My body deals well with overeating but I do do it too, I just eat way more than I should, especially junk. Instead of buying processed and pre-prepared stuff just by fruit and vegies and things you have to cook yourself, that way you'll only eat healthy things or you'll have to cook them yourself. I don't know, obviously you'd realise this, but it's just a suggestion.
One good thing to do is to go outside and get some fresh air, maybe go for a walk somewhere too. Do you ever do this? It will make you feel better believe it or not.
I am very quiet too and battle low confidence (at the moment it is quite low). It affects me badly, I can't talk very loud, if I look into someone's eyes when talking to them I trip on the words, I will stutter, my thoughts are disorganized. It's just really noticeable! So I know what it's like again.
I used to be extremely bad in social situations and especially with meeting new people...now I'm only slightly bad at it and so I know a few things that helped me improve. Well to me I see smalltalk as having a place and purpose - I'm sure you see it's purpose too yeah? To me it's a means to a more fulfilling end, that being one of discussing the more meaningful things you like to talk about. Now, I'll just be very forward here - does any of you dislike for smalltalk stem from a fact that you are bad at it? If this is the case then you must understand that it is simply a skill that can be learnt, practised and mastered.
Now, yes, people do use smalltalk a lot - but not because they don't know how to discuss more meaningful things. Smalltalk is very, very important and it will be next to impossible to have success in social situations unless you engage in small talk at some stage for some length of time.
It allows people to make judgements about each other - "hmmm, this person is obsessed with discussing their hatred for human beings... maybe I don't want to know them in detail..." or "hmmm, this guy is a lot more arrogant than I would have imagined from how he looks, I don't want to know him". So it is important and you have to let people judge you on smalltalk before they will consider talkint to you about more meaningful things - have you ever seen a mentally ill or a disturbed person on a train? You know how they will talk to whoever sits next to them about anything - their child's medical problems, their bowel movements, their disgust at the fascist government - you've seen this yeah? It just doesn't go down well... lol.
Also, it allows this weird thing called "chemistry" to occur and develop... it is a loose term, but there are times you will meet someone and just connect with them, feel a special bond with them. Well smalltalk is where this will often first happen. Don't disregard such a concept - it is not a term created by authors of stupid "how to pick up chicks" style books, it is very real, it is just how close two people feel.
It allows people to quickly see who you are and thus gives you the opportunity to sell yourself. I'm at odds with this aspect of it, I dislike it because I'm and introvert and I'd rather people get to know me by talking to me extensively and more intimately because I am quite shy. Still if you meet someone shy then they will understand exactly what it's like for you, and so this aspect shouldn't be dismissed as a reason to hate smalltalk.
I don't know, I just thought of that stuff off the top of my head, I'm sure you realised it all anyway.
The chances of you getting to know someone without first making smalltalk are next to zero. If you don't make small talk things just won't advance for a multitude of reasons (not knowing each other well enough, the [unfortunate] perception of rudeness, putting your foot in your mouth because you didn't first understand something inherent in allowing you to talk to them... etc.).
Now, let's put the confidence and the self-efficacy issues away for a moment. Let's say you see a nice girl you'd like to get to know better. Well, being the quiet, upright, intelligent person you are you'd like to discuss things that you find actually interesting with her. Well, let's look at how this would occur.
You go up to her, say "hi". Maybe mention something like "hey I noticed you were reading the exact same book as I am". She'll be like "really? That's cool, do you like blah blah!". So you talk for a little about stuff, maybe introduce yourself, where do you work, what do you do, where are you from. Nothing more is necessary - from here you say "well you've got to be one of the most interesting people I've ever met, you have such a good taste in books, so naturally I'd like to get to know you better, do you want to go for coffee?".
Now, you've just got that girls number and will be meeting her for coffee. All you had to do was speak with her for a few minutes about small things, though in this case the book-thing was an example of something you find interesting yourself (this sort of thing can occur quite frequently), you just had to do the whole introductions and 20 questions sort of small talk thing. It wasn't hard, it was simple information to convey.
Then you've got the opportunity to meet her and pick her brains in whatever way you want. The jump from smalltalk to bigtalk (hehe) in this case was very minor because you found someone you could hit it off with thanks to a coincidence.
The smalltalk is over. Of course there will be pleasantries each time you meet ("how are you?", "how was the weekend?"), but they are very minor things in reality - I asked you how you were in that last post even.
If you pick the people careful (not just with women) you will be able to skip over a lot of the introductory smalltalk.
I find smalltalk as basically being asking about someone's wellbeing or experiences... there isn't too much more too it really. The number of questions is quite limited, the skill is in finding new ways to keep it going - like asking questions about events you knew just occurred etc.
Oh and with women right, if you find a women you like, you WILL like making smalltalk with her if it is asking about how she is and what she has been doing, you will naturally be interested in this, that's how it is.
Also the same principles apply in meeting guy friends...it is basically exactly the same, just without flirtatious actions and a different sort of eye contact and reaction to her body language etc.
Politics probably will scare away a lot of people because it isn't something people just talk about - but that is the idea. If it is what you would like to be able to discuss with someone you have to weed out those who don't fit that mould. You WILL find people who do though.
Of course that goes for whatever it is you like to discuss, not just politics.
Relationships was another example you used - you have your foot in the door with females (I saw you list those 3 friends above too) if you like to discuss relationships...this is a favourite of women, they love to discuss the wonders of friendship and love. (I'm like this too btw).
It sounds like you should make it your goal to meet someone new and befriend them, guy or girl. It will challenge you of course and that is why it is a goal at the moment. You will have to work to achieve it. You've said you ultimately would like to meet someone new, so you've already made it your goal, great!
Ok you have fears and insecurities with social situations. Very understandable - I have to deal with these myself. I've seen them develop (retrospectively) from the things I've gone through and I've seen their devastating effects. So honestly bro, I know what it is like for you. I never said a word, changed my facial expression (it was stuck at "leave-me-alone" hehe) and was scared to be myself, let people see any aspect of me, scared I'd do or say something stupid, worry that people wouldn't like me...etc.
Your overall fear can be broken down into the small things I mentioned. So what are those smaller things that bother you so much?
I'll go with some things I dealt with.
Fear of saying something silly - the solution is to realise that no one cares what we say, nor do they remember it beyond a few sentences ago. Let's say someone asks you what you enjoy doing and you want to reply "i like maths, to debate about things..." but instead you get tongue-tied and say "I like masturbate..." well that would be funny! But all you'd do is some, "oops, um no, I like maths, to...." And beyond a little laughter (it's understandable!) that may actually persist (though not likely if they are older than 15...hehe) nothing will happen, they'll forget about it. And so what if they bring it up in front of their friend - it was funny. There is nothing silly to say ever, this should never be feared.
Worrying about how other people see you - it just doesn't matter (yes, it is much easy said than believed). People will make decisions about various aspects of perception, that's what we do. It doesn't matter if someone thinks you speak like you had helium for breakfast or if they think you are really lacking in confidence. Only if they are petty and lacking in intelligence would such things matter to them - and in that case you wouldn't want to know them.
You don't think they want to talk to you - well simply all that matters is whether or not you are a nice person. If you talk to them and you are nice then they will like to talk to you.
With me one thing was thinking I wasn't good looking enough for that girl to like me - looks don't matter, it's all about personality. If your personalities don't match then just try the next girl.
I don't know, I can't think of many things now.
The police stopped you?! That must have at least drawn a smile from you! My thing is having store people and security guards watch me carefully in stores and follow me around because I look like such a criminal (don't take too much pride in how I look really, and always look sad and distant).
The beauty myth... I'm telling you now, in all honesty, that looks don't really matter in forming friendships or relationships. There are two things that matter though, and they are co-related. The first thing is personality. The second is how you present yourself - this deals with confidence, your dress sense, your demeanour and the company you keep. (Other things like status, power, security also play roles in certain circumstances... generally with attracting women).
Now I am not a pretty guy, nor do I go to much effort to try and improve how I look! But I do what is necessary to be approachable - wear clean clothes, bathe, try to look interested (not as hard as it would seem ) and just be myself not trying to be anything I'm not. I have scruffy hair and facial hair and so I don't go to too much effort.
Having pride in yourself when you are down is a very difficult thing. I do not suffer depression but get very low fairly regularly and I know just how hard it is to feel like I'm even worth the air I breathe, whether I should be living at all. I am over going to too much effort really because to do that you need to feel like you have a reason to...I don't have a girlfriend, or friends, or much reason to leave home and so I don't feel like it matters if I wash my hair or anything like that.
But you know what? If I intend on meeting someone knew I go to the effort, I know that it is worth it. Looking scruffy is who I am and so that doesn't change and it has no affect on whoever sees me when they realise I'm a decent person (so says I...maybe I'm not the right person to ask ).
So your goal is to meet someone new right? What are you going to do about it? If you plan on doing it you will have to go to a little bit of effort to look approachable - this isn't about changing. The real you is someone who is motivated and has pride in themself - the person who doesn't feel like he needs to go to an effort is NOT the real you.
Now I've said a lot of things that are much easier to say than to do (I've simply said a lot of things too! hehe). And I know (like you wouldn't believe) that someone can't act on them or even believe them simply by reading them once and letting that be it. In fact I encourage you to question this stuff, to be a non-believer if you choose to be - maybe I am wrong about something, it's likely. But I know what has worked for me, and I've seen what works for others and so the things I say come from my personal experience.
This isn't about a revolution - it will be an evolution. If you allow it to occur that is.
No one can expect you to go out tomorrow and see someone and befriend them, they can't even expect you to be able to just talk to them. I had a terrible time in high school being so shy and afraid and so I know how hard it is to make any progress what so ever. But looking back I can see where the little improvements occurred and what facilitated them.
Yeah so my story is that I have no friends, am lonely, have no contact with people, stay in my bedroom all day doing nothing but pitying myself.
I might seem optimistic but I am not very optimistic when it comes to myself and my prospects with people. I find it hard to believe I'll ever have a friend and even harder to believe I could have a girlfriend. I am extremely introverted and independent and unless I meet someone similar to me we won't get along too well because our expectations will be different... my personality type only gets along with people of the same personality type, basically.
I feel miserable and like I don't even need to be here because no one knows I am.
I don't know whether I should even try making friends anymore (or even continue the superficial acquaintances I have) - am I just going to get more hurt and frustrated and have my confidence ruined even more?
Re: thanks
well thanks for all the advice I do see where youre coming from and you're right in saying it involves alot of effort.
By the way, so you know, im not a guy so coming on to girls isnt my problem! but the advice was relevant all the same. especially the bit about small talk. i guess iv always seen it as a abd thing but you describe it more as a tool than a barrier. My problem is i am idealistic and stubborn so usually i think ' i shouldnt have to make meaningless conversation with the person becasue the world shouldnt be this way so i won't, ill just mope until someone talks to me meaningfully.' I suppose sometimes if you cant beat them you have to join them.
I suppose my greatest fear in talking to people is not just the things like saying something stupid etc. but the fear that the person will realise that there is nothing to me. Like i said before i am a very boring person. So i dont know how to get my personality across to other people because i dont have any hobbies or experiences which people can use to judge my personality.
Plus i always enter the conversatio feeling inadequate to begin with and inferior. I find it easier to talk to people younger than me because i immediately have the advantage of being older and therefore in ways superior..
The whole appearance thing doesnt help eother but when i really 'doll' mysel up i feel really uncomfortable, like mutton dressed as lamb or basically just someone pretending to me someone they're not and i worry people see straight through that. There's the stubborness in there too. I think why should i make an efforton how i look when interacting with people should be about how i look, people should want to talk to me not becasue of my looks but because of something else greater than that.
Also its been so long since i acted out of instinct etc. that i dont know how to 'be myself' im not really sure what that is anymore. I always act how i feel i should act or how i want to act and ultimately denying myself in the process.
you said something about never talking never changing your facial expression ( i cant find it know i want to..!) well ditto. That is bascially me to.
you aslo said:
The police stopped you?! That must have at least drawn a smile from you! My thing is having store people and security guards watch me carefully in stores and follow me around because I look like such a criminal (don't take too much pride in how I look really, and always look sad and distant).
yeah i have the sad and distant look built in. when the police stopped me i didnt laugh, oh contrar! ~I was close to breaking out in tears ( thank god i didnt) so I was saying very little and sucking in the tears!!
My frined found it hilarious though and looking back it was quite funny.
As for you. hmmmmm.....
I get what you been about things being different when its you. I always come out with this crap to my frineds but im a complete hypocrit really. You should really take some of your own advice. And get a hobby!
I think one of my big problems is that i have no passion in life there is nothing on a day to day basis i enjoy doing and do it for the sake of doing becasue i enjoy it. I think that would help both of us. It would be soemthing to get excited about, but our efort into and its something to talk about to people too.
Re: thanks
Well I am a boring person too and so I can feel where you are coming from.
I've so far found that I will have nearly nothing in common with most people but usually there will be one or two things that allow us to have a conversation.
Like you said, hobbies do help. I am going to do something about that this year and will try charity work. But you don't really need to have the same hobbies as someone to talk to them. It does help, but if you have just one hobbie in common you aren't going to have much to talk about.
I think it's just important to have stuff that you can talk about, about yourself. For me I just ask people lots of questions and I can usually talk to them about most things because of practice - in the beginning you won't be able to talk much, but it will get easier very quickly, mainly because you end up just recycling things you've already heard from other people!
People like to talk about themselves - but you also do have to be able to talk tabout yourself, and be willing to do so. This is the real place where hobbies are handy because they give you something to talk about.
I don't believe that you have no hobbies or interests though. You study biology, so that is one area you have an interest in and can talk about - if you find someone who is interested in biology than you will talk forever.
Do you watch tv? If you do you will have a lot in common with millions of people... maybe they are a fan of the same show? There's something to talk about.
Do you go to the gym? There is something to talk about.
Watch movies? Read a certain website? Subscribe to a magazine? Like to read a certain genre of book? Do you have pets that you are devoted to?
Basically whatever it is that you do to relax is a hobby and you do relax don't you? So what are the things you do?
You will be able to talk about these things with whoever is interested.
Well people won't judge you for your hobbies (unless you have some really weird hobby like sucking people's blood or something...lol), and will be interested no matter what they are, whether that person has the same hobby or not.
One thing you could do is read a newspaper each day. You will then know about all the current issues around the world and will have lots to talk about with people who are interested in certain things. Like maybe you meet someone from a certain country and in the paper you read about a certain festival in that country, well you could ask that person about that festival. That's just one example.
Newspapers also have many other features to do with popular culture, sports, business etc. You can become quite knowledgable on such things simply by reading the newspaper.
Also, at your college you can try going to a library and borrowing a non-fiction book on a topic you aren't familiar with, maybe one that is interesting because not many people know a lot about it. Well you could read all the books on that topic and become knowledgable about that. For example, maybe you could read books on philosophy, or maybe you could read books on a certain country.
You said you feel more comfortable talking to young people, well that is a good reason to get involved in activities with younger people.
Try a mentor program at your college or in you community. Work for a charity for disadvantaged kids, maybe coach a sports team. There will be some ways to get involved with younger people and this would then help increase your confidence and make it easier for you to deal with older people and anyone else.
Also, don't have high expectations for conversations. Just have small goals and be happy with even the smallest progress you can make.
I take pleasure in dealing well with everyday situations like talking to a cashier or talking on the phone to make an appointment. Such things don't come naturally to me and so I like it when I can do them right, and this increases my confidence.
You honestly don't have to doll up if you don't want to. In my experience there are a lot of people (most in my experience) who just don't care how someone looks. That's why I don't go to any effort really, it allows people to see a side of me that if they can like than they must be a decent person.
I don't go to any trouble for anyone else - if you want to go to trouble it has to be for yourself only.
Don't expect to just find yourself and be able to act out of instinct. That is something that will come back over a long period of time, and will only come with experience (ie. the things that you find work for you) and practise.
Just try and act without thinking about things before hand (ie. be spontaneous... this will help the real you, good or bad, to come out. This will help.) and without trying to be this or that.
Just be whoever you are, don't worry, just act only for yourself.
You will have to get in the practise though and be prepared to be uncomfortable. But every time it'll get a little bit easier and you'll get a little more confident and sure of who you are.
Probably the most important thing I ever learnt to help with social situations was how to smile. Smile! It is the easiest way to make things easier for you.
People will be more comfortable and inviting if you smile. You don't have to smile all the time, but when you should smile (when a joke is told, when u have something to be happy about, when you meet someone for the first time) you should make sure that you smile.
Your passion can be university if that is all you do. It can be tv if you watch it, books if you read them, walking your dog if you do that.
What do you do each day? List the things and you will see that there will be some activities that you do because you like them, no matter how insignificant you think they are.
...but I couldnt care less...problem is that it also mean that most of the times (to not say always), girls are not really by the type of guy like us, over-sensitive and all. Im not sure if its a lost cause. And since, like I've talk to hushed on this very topic sooner, we're not the type of perosn who like long talk in real life...its hard to see something else than a lifeless being 
) and just be myself not trying to be anything I'm not. I have scruffy hair and facial hair and so I don't go to too much effort.
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