newbie
hello
I'm writing here funnily enough because I'm lonely and I may well die if I don't speak/write to someone soon. I've read a few posts and i seem to be in a similar circumstance to some.
I have about three close friends but I feel if I don't keep up appearances they won't like me anymore. I change my personality to suit my friends needs and as such if ever I feel crappy I'm terrified that they'll see right through me and not likeme.
I'm a very boring, selfish and lazy perxonat heart, like my father. I resentmy father for giving me his crap jeans and I resent my mother for pro-crearting with him and for being a far better person than Iam.
I hate life which stands still and I can't stand routine.
I feel very shportly I will lose the will to live from thinking too much.
man really, I like your introudction...You dont cut in anything to make it beautiful. Dont worry, you wont have to wear a mask here, just speak about what you truly feel, thats the goal... I myself feel too that Im the most boring and lazy person on earth....in my head, no one can really be interrested by what Im saying, so its better for me to just stay away from society (to that level, its ok for me, since I throw away any love for general social contact...the problem is by throwing that away, I dont know how to make inter-personal contact with people either (mostly girls if you read some of my posts elsewhere)...So I just feel like @#%$ most of the times...but right now, im in an OK phase, so I wont bother you much with my problems.....yet ....)
And yes like you said, many of us (me included) is going through the same crap as you...well if it was just for people in society, I would tell you, screw them all, they dont matter....but since its about friendship, its a little more complicated...So I'll ask some question..since when are your friend with them? Even if you dont show your true self to them...do you speak from times to times about how you really feel??? Do they care about what you say? All these indicator can tell you if they're just acquaintance who will one day try to take advantage of you (like it happens to me many times in my past), or if they're true friend who will stick, even if we think we're the worthless junk on earth and complain about it all the times...Well Im waiting for your comment...just hope you wont disepear like that like many.... I try to be the placekeeper of this forum, trying to reply to everyone...but its hard when no one is there now Edited by: xellos667 at: 11/21/05 7:19 am
Re: newbie
hey thanks for the quick reply. I appreciate it. You seem to be God on this forum so thanks for taking an interest. As for my friends I have three main ones;
hana j - I realy like her, we always go out and do stuf or i'll go round hers, but i don't feel i can talk to her about all the things i think about. wen i;m with her i try to be this fun and enthusiastic person wich gets really tiring. i realy love her but i feel like she likes me under false pretences so if i was myself she would lose interest. Plus at the monet shes having issues with her family so i don't want to bring her down with her problems. I think she realy appreciates me as someone to talk to and help keep her mind off the problem. Which i like doing i just get woried about her 'finding me out' so to speak.
ellie - we are in to similar music which is good and we do parkour together but i don't be to insult her but i feel im cleverer than her so i tend to think about things alot more and see alot more in things which she doesnt so i don't open up toher because i don't think she will undestand. She lives a very simply life which i wouldn't be able to find meaning in but she does and i suppose in ways i enfy that. she is alot better at interacting with people than me wich doesn't help. She has lots of friends.
hana r - im probably the closest thing to myself around her because she is a very mature and caring person. I tell her more than the other two but the only problem is we have nothing in common. I think its good that we are friends though but it means we can't really do things we enjoy together. Her life revolves around sport (shes been selested for 2012 olympics for vollyball) and mine revolves around moping about and feeling sorry for myself.
as for society itself. I really dont like the western world. Everything is unbelievable fake . like you i find it hard to ineteract with people, probably becasue they seem to caught up in all thin unreal madnes. I hate small talk i don't see any purpose in it and its eally boring. in an ideal world i would go to a party and have a meaningful philsophical conversation with the first person i met, but life isn't like that.
Re: newbie
wow, you dont chew your words again, this is so great. Anyway my vision of things (which of course, take base on nothing, because I cant really understand a person true feeling or personality like that, no one can...so feel free to destroy my words, or just forget them after reading them )
hana j: I think she will be the first one to fall, sorry to say that, but you dont seem to be the "happy-happy-joy" type of girl from what I've read in your few comments as of now. Like you said, playing a role can become quite tiring to a point where it will bring many frustration. No one can hide their true self forever like that, one day words will come out of your mouth without you realizing it, and you might hurt her, because she will have a good taste of all your true self without any "mental preparation"...So right now she have familly problem, ok I can understand that you cant talk to her about your own problem right now...but once its out of the way, you have to, you'll see quite quickly if she's a friend....most of the times, people who told you all of their problems, and just like you to be there for them to confort them, tend to desert you when you try to talk about yourself...before it happens, better know what her true intentions are....
ellie: well, you know what they're saying, ignorance is blessed. I guess she can find hapiness more easily than us, introverted and depressed person, to a point it might make us jealous (maybe to a point where you'll try to convice yourself that you're better than her ... well that a lie by the way ) But really, she seem to be just an acquiantance...during my school years, I have one of those "so-called" friend that was able to hang out with everyone, but was still hangin with me from time to time...its easy to see that when our school years were over, the bridge was cut between us...So im not sure, but I think that it will surely happen like that for you too, since you dont seem to be too close to her.
hana r: So what...you have different taste, true relationship is build most of the times around the fact the we are differents and that we must accept those kind of thing. and mine revolves around moping about and feeling sorry for myself.
LOL, really I cant help to love your comments.. this is what we all think (at least I) here. Anyway you seem to think that she may be some kind of perfect girl without any problem or what?...From what I understand she's the only one to whom you can set your heart free, thats great...did she talk to you about her own problem too? Because with the other two, it seem you were only the listener, but with her, it seems like a mutual understanding relationship. My guess is that you have to accept what she is, and try to develop this relationship more...the thing you do for your activity is superficial in a way. It can help make the first contact in a friendship relationship...but if the contact is already made, whats really matter is the feeling and trust you put in your friendship....but thats just me.
I really dont like the western world. Everything is unbelievable fake
Lol, its true but dont kid yourself...its a reality for almost all developped society, not just Western one (even British society, or almost all European society, and some Asian one, sorry for you). But hey, whats really matter are the individual person, no matter the country, so dont put a general comment like that ...not that it matters to me (and Im a Westerner myself, but you can say anything bitchy about it, it wouldnt affect me at all, since I dont associate myself to a country or anything...but who knows, there might be some people who will be hurt by these kind of comment...)
You seem to be God on this forum
God??? Lol, I had to comment on that one. I mean the reason Im here is because I feel sick sad and depressed most of the times ...I wonder the God of what I would be (the god of @#%$)...anyway, maybe I reply to everyone here because, I cant do it in real life...so in a way, its kinda pathetic...maybe Im just a self-centered guy who's using people on this board to heal his own wound...so I guess im really the lowest of the mortal around here Edited by: xellos667 at: 11/21/05 2:55 pm
Re: newbie
you know i think you've hitit right on the head about my friends. though i think ellie will be the first to go when she goes off to uni. the hannahs i think will last longer soto speak just because i think they value my friendship more.
I seemto see a recuring theme throughout your posts though. you're not quick to trust that people have good intentions. Im sorry that you've been hurt my past 'friendships' i can tell thats really changedyour view about people. But your young and still have time to form lasting relationships,its just that sometimes you have to sek them out.
As for the last comment, i doubt its selfishnes. you show a genuine interest in people chich is really refreshing. I think everythging is done selfishly to some degree thats just how we're made but i can't believe that your only motive is to healyour wounds.
The westernworld thing...yeah dittoto what i said before. I just feel like the developed world is taking a step backwards. everything seems to be controlled by multmilillion dollar corporations now adays.
As you can gues im not terribly patriotic!!
Re: newbie
Well, I was only doing some analyze about your friends..without thinking if it may be right or wrong ...The time ellie will leave you was really depending on how much times before you change school and all (since she seems to be really just an acquaintance), while your others friends have other base in their friednship than just "We're at the same school! Hurray!" so thats why I thought it might fall sooner (or in some case later).
the hannahs i think will last longer
LOL, wihtout offense but when I read just this small part, I was thinking about an animal documentary, you know: "The hanas in their natural environment....", just a weird thought I had, nothing really deep in it
I seemto see a recuring theme throughout your posts though
Well yeah, maybe its because Im just a predictable and boring person...who knows...
But your young and still have time to form lasting relationships
Well just in case you didnt know I have two great friend, so on the friendship level, its quite ok...of course Im always thinking "Maybe Im not there enough for them" and all, but thats just the way I am, I need my private time to feel great in life...and of course its a big dilemna because, if I want to be more "social", so to speak, I need to get out and hang out more with people...oh well, Im sure you understand what Im, saying...
Like I said on some other posts, I think there's three level of interpersonal relationship.
-The Social One: the one with "The Crowd", that seem to be reserved for extraverted people only. Its this kind of relationship that will make you a popular person or not in the eyes of others, which suck. Anyway, since I destroyed this part in my heart, it doesnt bothers me anymore so problem solved for me
-The Friendship One: well, your most trusty friends, not just acquintance (which fall into the categorie "Social" in my head), people you can trust and that you know will never left you. Since I have two friends, Im quite happy on that level, I wouldnt enjoy having many, many friends, quality over quantity...because with too much friends, its hard to connect really deep with anyone in my head..
-The Love One: the curse of my life, it seems its impossible for me to achieve anything on that level...so Im stuck here, and since I think we need to have these three parts of our hearts in harmony to feel really happy (or at least, have solved the problem in our head like I did with the social one), because of that, Im always thinking that Im not worthy of anyone...so the true recuring theme in all my post, most of the times, is how hurt I am for not having anyone to love...
-Runner-Up: Family One: Well, family is important, but I put it apparts, because unlike the others, most of the times, we dont have to really put all our effort to achieve hapiness in this, because most of the time, our family love us since our birth...if not (Im not sure if its your case from what I've read)...well it might bring a lot of trauma in our life (but since this is something I cant understand for myself...I dont want to begin with theory on this...Im really sorry, and if its your real problem in life, well, Im willing to listen to it the best I can)
you show a genuine interest
I would really like to, but like I said before, most of the times, people seem to use us to drop all their problem into us, then just discard us like that...Im not talking about people on this forum. But the general people in the world. And deep down inside, Im like them, I just want people to listen to all my problems without anything else in return. I think thats where Im screwed. So to reach that objective, I lend my hears to peoples' problems...but for now, it didnt bring anything good at all...just more problem for myself...
The westernworld thing...yeah dittoto what i said before
At least you seem to understand that, because really, when you think "West", surely you think "North America"...but theres also a "South Amercia" you know LOL...and many peoples there live simpler life, and many of them are suffering...so really the more a society developped, the more lazy and superficial it will become in general, and ultimately, it will fall (history has proved it, Babylon, Rome, etc...)
Re: newbie
iv already answered the last post but it didnt work so im starting again but i cant completely ermember what i put.
I wanted to0 say don't worry about the feelibg u gat that you just want to unload all of your feelings on others with no consequence, that is just human nature and in my experience that is someting that is very hard to change.
A couple of months ago i tried and only found by doing an ennegram test that i was infact feeding the very par5t of me that i hated in doing so because everything i did was out of selfish intentions.
Re: newbie
Im not sure if I should comment right away if there is to be a sequel...but anyway, yeah this forum is pretty screwed...it let you acces the "Add a reply" option while you're disconnected, but if you try to post it, you loose everything you type, even if you click Previous. Morale of the story, always copy your texte before psoting, (or always connect yourself before posting), or do like me and type everything in notepad..than copy and paste
anywhere back to my traon of thought...
yeah the western world, i hear ya when you say
the more a society developped, the more lazy and superficial it will become in general, and ultimately, it will fall
by the western world i mean Europe, north america, australia those kinda places. I have actually been to south america and ur right life is alot simpler. I was in brazil last summer for a kind o0f family reunion, because my mum is from out there, and i love it. Everything seems so untouched, which is stupid because there is amazing influence from theb states but even so theres this kind of cultural innocence which i love about it. Im going back next year for a gap year and if all goes to plan ill end up moving there at some point.
it just seems like the more developed a country gets the more greedy, fake and petty it gets. It effects the people too the way they work and interact.
I can't remember what els i put...
btw an enneagram test is a personality test and in my experience is very accurate. try
www.enneagraminstitute.com if ur interested
i think thts the link..
Well really hushedfootsteps, you seem to know where you going in life (well if you're there, maybe you dont think so much, but really, from all your reply, all I can see is a strong girl who knows exactly what she want, and what she hates...).
I've never been out of my country, so I never experimented toatl contact with a different culture, but it must really change our life, surely for the best. Well anyway, now this is a point where I cant adavance myself too much, since no one can analyze anyone ( Im always sying stuff like that, but its so true and I dont want to offend anyone with my point of view, so that why Im always using those lines), but Im positive your life will be a big sucess, if Im only judging by how you talk in your replies...Of course Real Life and Virtual Life are two differents things (I know Im a totally different person in Real Life), but if what I see here is only a glimpse of your true personality, I would say, dont change...please just stay this true self. Wearing a mask will never be worth it, even more when, like you, you seem to know exactly the kind of person you are....The others shoudl be the one accepting you like that, and not the other way around...
anyway dont give up, and keep posting your comments...
thanks
wow
that was a really nice post, i appreciate your comments its nice to hear something positive every once in a while. the whole thing about not changing who i am may be right.
i had a mini revelation about it yesterday actually. you see up til now iv always seen the problem to be me and how hard it is for me to change so that will have friends bu then i realsed that i would be way happier if i remaind the same and people liked me anyway. It made me realise that i could live with myself if i had like-minded friends even if i wasnt cool or respected by loads of people. id be pretty content if i could just be witha few friends i wasnt afrid of being myself around.
it was pretty nice actually the thought of it.
as for knowing where im going im not so sure!...
a couple of years ago i thought of the idea of working in prisons and now im finding myself going back to te idea. but thats all i have at the moment, a vague idea of what i want to do.
the whole brazil thing just made me realise how little i like being around the people live around. I would like to live there but there is enough poverty out there as it is, i dont want to take a job which a brazilian shoud have. So i would probably have to work for an english or american company out there to make sure i stay out of poverty. OR i could just sbe impoverished...
afterall its lot better than other things...
I advice you more than anything to trave if you get that opportunity. you live in canada right? i havent been there myself but by brother lived there briefly and he loved it. I get the impression that it is very different form here and the states but i wouldnt know...
Next year im being a bit spoilt and im going to egypt which should be amazing and my dad's flying me out to brunei to see him, plus im going to austria...!!
I know spolt ha! and im going on about how crap my life is. I love travelling but i always feel incrediblt guilty about the environmental costs. flying is possibly the worst thing i could do for the atmosphere..
you said:
no one can analyze anyone
hmmm....
I love it that you think that.
but my problem is i cant help thinking the opposite. more and more i see that a person can be completely predictabe, maesurable and also moulded into what they are required to be. therefore analysis is doable.
I hate that i think that.
the subjects im studying doesnt really help mt case either. I do sociology which basically says individuals are influenced to do tings by soicety; psychology- individuals do things out of psychological needs; r.e - is there a great designer out there and politics -not really as relevant..
I cant help thinking that we are created externally. I am what i am because i have my parents genes which give me my appearance and personality and i am miserable because certain parts of socety conflict with certin aspects of my biological personality and my upbringing which has taught me how to think...
partly this is why i have such probems because i see everything as having a purpose which can be analysed plus i see everything as subjective which is horrible because it means i dont see anything in the world as stable. For example when people say saddam hussin is an evil man all i can think is no he's not he just has a certain personalty and was brought up in certain way to bring about events which are classed as evil only out of social lbelling. I dont think killing someone is 'evil'. it is what it is and we just pass judgement on it...
i don t want you to see me as a 'bad' person because of this. its just how i see things..
trust me it gets very frustrating and tiring when nothing is in black or white...
you said:
Real Life and Virtual Life are two differents things
that is something i defendly agree with because i am a bonifide dreamr and spend more time in the virtual world than out in the real world......
as for you...well iv always had a built in mind set that says that everything wll turn out fine and i trust it. So youll be fine in my books...and i wouldnt ike to be proved wrong......
Re: thanks
Woah, reading your post is really something...I cant do anything but to comment on everything in it...sorry if its a bother
i had a mini revelation about it yesterday actually. you see up til now iv always seen the problem to be me and how hard it is for me to change so that will have friends bu then i realsed that i would be way happier if i remaind the same and people liked me anyway
Thats exactly what I was trying to tell you all along. When you try to make contact with people, did you always ask them to change who they are for you? Im sure not...Because you know its not something right...we cant change human nature just like that...so how come you have to be the one to do it??? Its not right, its not logical at all...
It made me realise that i could live with myself if i had like-minded friends even if i wasnt cool or respected by loads of people.
Amen to that, and if your friends right now are not accepting you the way you should truly be, I wish for you that you'll find people that will allow you to break the chain you seem to impose on yourself when you're around people (only supposition of course again...even with your text, I still believe that we cant be sure for certain while analyzing someone ).
as for knowing where im going im not so sure!...
I dont think its true, you may not have a specific goal in life yet, but you know exactly what you want or dont want. You have belief, and already have a global vision on how the world should be. All these will only lead you to your specific goal, surely sooner than you may think.
the whole brazil thing just made me realise how little i like being around the people live around. I would like to live there but there is enough poverty out there as it is, i dont want to take a job which a brazilian shoud have.
Thats one of the thing in your text that made me realize one of the reason (or supposition) you feel like crap, really. You're an high-thinker, surely higher than most people I met in my life. You see what are the real problem in the world and feel for it. Normal people, (and I have to admit even me), wouldnt even think about these kind of thing, they would only go on, with their pity day, or if they were in front of a choice that may bring sadness into others people hearts, they wouldnt care, since at least that would make them happy...how many people would think like you when you say "I dont want to take a job a Brazilian should have"...not many, thats for sure...And because you can think about all that, I think you can see that theres something wrong with the system, and thats where the sadness begin.....Really, like I said before "Ignorance is blessed", the more you can dive into deep thoughts like that, the more it can bring sadness in your life...thats so paradoxal....
I advice you more than anything to trave if you get that opportunity
Well, you know, like you said in your first post, we're just too lazy (at least I) to do anything, and prefer to waste our life in our house...now that sux
you live in canada right? i havent been there myself but by brother lived there briefly and he loved it. I get the impression that it is very different form here and the states but i wouldnt know...
...well the only difference I can see is that winter are SOOO very cold here Others than that, we're just another Capitalist Society...
I know spolt ha! and im going on about how crap my life is. I love travelling but i always feel incrediblt guilty about the environmental costs. flying is possibly the worst thing i could do for the atmosphere..
You're really something else, another point that normal people wouldnt think of. Well, anyway, dont try to be so hard on yourself...I know that small gesture can make the difference, but you can enjoy one thing or two in life..I know that you know that we know that the real problem lie in over-consommation and abuse. If we were able to moderate our way of life, one flight our two wouldnt kill our planet .
but my problem is i cant help thinking the opposite. more and more i see that a person can be completely predictabe, maesurable and also moulded into what they are required to be. therefore analysis is doable.
Maybe so, and to some extent, its only normal, because its certain human being have a tendency to react in a very predictable way to certain factor....BUT really, I rephrase my question. If you can analyze everyone like that, how come you dont seem to apprciate yourself that much...I mean: Can you analyze yourself as much as you can analyze others..In my head, if you were able to, you wouldnt have all those thoughts and dilemna in your head, you will be fully complete, and wouldnt care about anything that goes in the world...Deep down, Im sure you know that people reaction cannot all be analyzed, because one-self cannot fully know how he will react in front of many things yet...so how come someone else can tell for sure how a person will react???? The only logical explanation would be that it would be indeed genetic, and that if X numbers of peoples of the Y type of personality have reacted that way in front of the Z factor, then the person P who is of the same type, should react the same way....and I couldnt think thats its true, even if I try to forced myself to. Like I said, its like theres no hope in living, since everything we do is already written in gene....well I know we cant fight our true nature...but since I think that this nature was created during our youth, at least, we were the one who made all the choice, and not some third party persons (well in this case our own parent)...Of course we could make a "clash of the titan" with a subject like that....but Im dont think science is advanced enough yet to give us concrete proof of who is right and wrong between us two
i don t want you to see me as a 'bad' person because of this. its just how i see things..
trust me it gets very frustrating and tiring when nothing is in black or white...
Oce again, I can only say the same things I wrote many times above...to be more happy, I guess the only way now would be to dumb down your own thinking process ...I dont see you like a bad person at all. In all your post, I even saw that you were most certainly A HUMAN amongs humans. And I really hope you will continue to grace the world of your inner vision and analyzes...but know that the deeper you will dwell into human mind analyze, the greater the shade of gray will become (and gray is the most depressive color, even more than black, since at least with black, you know which side you are)...and the feeling of sadness and despair might even become bigger...but dont give up...I think its a life quest that is well worths it...but if it become just too much, theres also no shame backing down a little, and forget everything about standard human society for a while (I guess it would be a perfect time to do some thing that passionnate you during those time...like traveling...who knows...)
that is something i defendly agree with because i am a bonifide dreamr and spend more time in the virtual world than out in the real world......
surely like many of us....and Im at a point where just trying to reconnect with reality is painful...but thats another story
as for you...well iv always had a built in mind set that says that everything wll turn out fine and i trust it. So youll be fine in my books...and i wouldnt ike to be proved wrong......
LOL, just watch me, I didnt reach the bottom of human despair yet, and my life seem to be aiming for it...I guess you wont be happy since Im sure I'll prove you wrong sadly... Edited by: xellos667 at: 11/29/05 9:25 am
Re: thanks
Of course your answers dont bother me!!!
You said:
gray is the most depressive color, even more than black, since at least with black, you know which side you are
Too true, my friend. Too true. That will be my little snippet of wisdom for the week.
As for this:
just watch me, I didnt reach the bottom of human despair yet, and my life seem to be aiming for it...I guess you wont be happy since Im sure I'll prove you wrong sadly...
im gonna disagree not just because of the built in mind set but becasue from what i know of you, you are someone who has innocent and good intentions and has alot of affection to those you hold close to you. Plus you value interacting with people on a more 'real'level which is usually dismissed in everyday life. Moreover, you are not wollowing in your sorrow but you are here helping out the likes of us.
No...trust me that isnt an unfortunate person to be....
another thing. I want to know if you get on with yourfamily? Do you have any bros and sisters??
And....
Yousaid...
Im at a point where just trying to reconnect with reality is painful...but thats another story
Re: thanksim gonna disagree not just because of the built in mind set but becasue from what i know of you
You're kind, thank you. But everything is not just the way it seems
you are someone who has innocent and good intentions and has alot of affection to those you hold close to you
Well, even if it was all true, you know what they're saying "Good people always finish last", and if thats true Im must be the kindest person in the world LOL...Yes I take affection to the people around me...problem is I never told them how much I really care and all...because even if I want to, its like its something not natural, and Im really sick of this...And add to that that Im in a big depression just because of the stupid fact that Im single since all my life...Im sure if one girl would take interrest on me (like it could happen), I would become too dependant of the relationship...Im really screwed really...
Moreover, you are not wollowing in your sorrow but you are here helping out the likes of us.
I would really like to believe like that...but you know, its like I need to feed on people sorrow to feel better...like I want to take all their hardship into me and see that Im not alone....So , you see, in a way, I really wished there were more lonely people, who can feel despair and all. Wishing these kind of thing make me really a crappy person
Or even worse, yesterday, I was walking outside, and it was raining a lot on me (now I know it doesnt help the mood but still), I was watching people around me, living their life, looking happy, even under the rain...and the only thoughts the came to my mind is that I wished they could all just die...yeah, if I have to suffer of my states because people cant accept me...then they could just all disapear and die...of course, its just a fleeing thought...but I guess true gentle and kind person wouldnt wish these kind of things...so you see...when you were saying that you dont want me to take you for a Bad person...well I wouldnt be the one to talk...
And you know whats even more pathetic, even if people tend to be kind and compliment me like you just did..I tend to answer by something negative...like I just did too. Its like I cant accept the fact that people would really think that way about me....because they may just be nice to me to trap me somewhere....like I want to keep my image of the boring and negative guy around me...even if its not what I truly want inside, like a defense system of some sort that allow me not to be hurt....of course that mean that it may also be a reaon why I repel everyone around me too
another thing. I want to know if you get on with yourfamily? Do you have any bros and sisters??
I have a baby sister (well one-year and an half younger). But unlike me she's extraverted to death...its like she managed to do everything in life before me, even though im her older brother ...Well, if your theory about genetic and personality is true...then my sister has surely got the gene of my father who is also extraverted to death...and I must have got the genes of my mother who is intraverted and calm like me...maybe it should have been to other way around LOL...but I dont have any problem with my familly...I guess you can say its the perfect picture of the happy-loving family. My problem came from myself, my lack of social skill, the fact that I cant attract anyone...the end...
Im at a point where just trying to reconnect with reality is painful...but thats another story
...im all ears (or eyes in this case)
Theres not much to say, whatever I read, watch something, or play some video games, go on my computer (like now)...its like I can finally let go of all my problems of my boring life...I can do something that will finally not hurt who I am, or like here, on this forum, I can be someone finally...Whatever the session end...its like the world around me seem really "Gray"...nothing is joyful..no one is waiting for me really (except maybe my friend and familly...but Im not with them all the times...and because of my nature, I wouldnt even be able to be with them always without feeling the need to come back to a little private time with myself)...so its like Im always dragged on to this false reality (internet, video games, etc...) to see if there is some new development...to push further the story, etc... because it seems so much greater than real life...now this is surely another reason why I'll be all alone for the rest of my life...maybe someone will help me broke this vicious cycle one day..but right now... Edited by: xellos667 at: 11/30/05 5:27 pm
Re: thanks
1. Im sure if one girl would take interrest on me (like it could happen), I would become too dependant of the relationship
honestly i think you re probably right there like i said before, you cant have a stable relationship with someone if your not yet sure of your own identity or secure in yourself. its just one of those things. Im sure girls would take interest in you but the type of girl you are more likely to like is someone tht is more like you - sensitive and introverted which isnt easy to find by definition. its easier for extraverted people to find each other because they are out there. as for you, you just have to search a bit harder. But it will come i promise you just have to wait a bit. some people dont find each other til they're 30 odd and it isnt any less meaningful because of that.
I think our culture stresses the importance of being in a relationship. But you can be happy and single. My friend is 53 and single and she hasnt had long term relationship in ll of her ife and she is happy as pie!
2.I never told them how much I really care and all...because even if I want to, its like its something not natural
in wht way? if its the way i think you mean then i understand. it just feels awkward to voice your feelings about someone. but everybody likes to feel appreciated and it takes a decent person to tell someone that.
3.its like I need to feed on people sorrow to feel better...like I want to take all their hardship into me and see that Im not alone....So , you see, in a way, I really wished there were more lonely people, who can feel despair and all. Wishing these kind of thing make me really a crappy person
there i nothing wron in feeling alone and wanting to connect with people, like i said before its humn nture and nobody can help that. sometimes i wish there were more lonely people because i think i could talk to the aot easier it doesnt mean want them to suffer i just want to connect in some way. this is what i see in your statement and abov all this does not make you 'crappy' person in the slightest. it means your a social being who just wants some comfort in being close to people and there is no shame in that.
4.I wished they could all just die...yeah, if I have to suffer of my states because people cant accept me...then they could just all disapear and die...of course, its just a fleeing thought...but I guess true gentle and kind person wouldnt wish these kind of things...so you see...
ditto to before really. i think you need to realise that behind all of these thoughts is a drve to be love and be loved. You are a person of value and its not 'wrong' or 'bad' to be jealous or to not understand your suffering. thoughs lke that just happen when you're angry and upset with the world . your not the only one you occassionlly thinks like that.
5.Its like I cant accept the fact that people would really think that way about me....because they may just be nice to me to trap me somewhere....like I want to keep my image of the boring and negative guy around me...even if its not what I truly want inside, like a defense system of some sort that allow me not to be hurt.
of course it hard to understand why people would like you when you dont like yourself very much. trustin in eople always involves a certain leap of faith because we dont know the ins and outs of every human being, but that makes it all the more worth while. I remember someone once asked me would you either find love then lose it or neve have it at all. Maybe the whole negative imge you portray is just beuse you're scared to be yourelf around people infear of rejection or osing your fragile identity. Even so you are sfe here to do so . Plus if you dont open yourself up and risk getting hurt your takin a just as great risk in not finding love aswell. that doesnt mean you wont find it though, but sometimes you have to put yourself out there to be found.
6.I dont have any problem with my familly...I guess you can say its the perfect picture of the happy-loving family.
you're ucky that you have that stability o support you. my family has become increasingly screwd up. My parents divorced when i was for and my dad soon after married his mistress and my mum married my step dad a few yers after. I live wth my mum and stepdad and my two 'real' brothers, 2 stepsisters and a stepbrother. In short my reltionship with my family is pretty crap. My two real brothers are very like me, introverted, creative, slef-obsessed. So naturally we repel each other because we are all clones of my egotisical father. Its not like we argue, its worse we just arent comfortable around ech other. whenever my eldest brother comes back from uni. i hate o be alone with him beacsue it s always incredibly awkward and we never know wht to say. Last year i found out he is a self-harmer too. He doesnt speak to anyone in the family except my mother. My other bro. is very angry at heart and basically an alcoholic. I think he is very lonely like me because he puts on this whoe fke image so that people will like him. I wish i could talk to him about it but i cant because geneticlly we are both crap at talking about our feelings we just try and ignore thema lot of the time.
My step fmily are all extrverted. My brother is lovely relly and hes been maing an efort to get to know me by taking me to gigs and stuff hes really a very nice person. My stepsister hates me and the family, she depressive too and w dont et on any more becsue she said tht listening to be was ike sitting your wrists and waiting to die. THat particularly upset me because thought we used to get on well. obviously not . My other sister im been attached to since our parents married. We're not so close now but i still love her alot. shes probably the most normal person in our famiy to be honest.
My stepdad is very sensitive which pisses me off becasue he holds grudges for ages. I dont appreciate him enough though. I never tell him i love him because im scared for some reason and i think tht realy upsets him. Me and my bros give him a load of crap but he bares it for my mums sake.
My mum is the most amazing person iv ever met. She s always posiive even when me and my bros are shitty to her and none of us help round the house. My father ha an affar yet she kept the whole thing secret for ages so that we wouldnt get hurt. Plus she left her home (Brazil) to be with my dad. She is unconditionally good to me and i take her for grnted. At heart im jealous of her for being such a good person.
My dad is a bit of a wanker really.He up and left his first family to bugger off with his soon to be second wife, which i now resent him for. He had two sons with her then ahd another affair and is now with his third wife. He is in the army o moves around alot so we dont see him for months / years at atime. Hes a bit of a selfish bastard really. He gave his kids his crap, selfish genes then buggered off. I feel very sad for my hf brothwers too who also had to grow up without a dad. Hes had 5 kids and hasnt raised any of them. in ways i feel unbelieveably sorry for him but then i relise that had he wanted to be around us more he could have left the army to stay closer to us. It sad to know that your fther values the relationship with his wife and his career above tht of his 5 kids.
I pretty much ersent him for procreting all together.
Re: thankshonestly i think you re probably right there like i said before, you cant have a stable relationship with someone if your not yet sure of your own identity or secure in yourself. its just one of those things. Im sure girls would take interest in you but the type of girl you are more likely to like is someone tht is more like you - sensitive and introverted which isnt easy to find by definition. its easier for extraverted people to find each other because they are out there. as for you, you just have to search a bit harder. But it will come i promise you just have to wait a bit. some people dont find each other til they're 30 odd and it isnt any less meaningful because of that.
I think our culture stresses the importance of being in a relationship. But you can be happy and single. My friend is 53 and single and she hasnt had long term relationship in ll of her ife and she is happy as pie!
Yeah, I know all that, thats why I tried the best I can to delete all those thoughts from my head. Im trying the best I can to think that it doesnt matter, even if I should stay alone for the rest of my life. What matter most is like you said that I learn to love myself, and to give more attention to universal love and everything and not just individual love to one person...Im sure it would make me a better person...but it seems it doesnt work that way...all these rejection over the years have really made me believe that theres a big problem with me, that Im not worth of anyone...Of course, deep down theres a voice that tell me that this is not true...but each NO I received eat a part of my soul, and today, Im just too affraid to try anything. Of course the general comment would be "You have to try again"...but really im at a point where the only the answer I get to that is "Like it would change anything, Im am what I am, and it seems a reason enough for people (girls in that case), to reject me." I dont want to change, I want to stay myself, I want people to accept me like that, like I accept them...but its not like this the world goes around. Yes, my dream would be to meet someone intraverted, but yes, like you said also, this is a species menacing of exctinction it seems...so it seems Im kinda doomed...again
there i nothing wron in feeling alone and wanting to connect with people, like i said before its humn nture and nobody can help that. sometimes i wish there were more lonely people because i think i could talk to the aot easier it doesnt mean want them to suffer i just want to connect in some way. this is what i see in your statement and abov all this does not make you 'crappy' person in the slightest. it means your a social being who just wants some comfort in being close to people and there is no shame in that.
Yeah, yeah, we all know the morale "Human being is always desesparate of searching human contact, to be accepted by them, etc.., etc...But once again, society doesnt work like that. I want to be accepted and all, but I dont want to give them anything in return. The sole presence of a person by my side who comprehend me...or just knowing that they will alwyas be there and all, is more than enough for me to feel happy. I dont need all these pety talk that seem to drain me of all my energy, or of all those extravagent activities...its not a proof of affection and all for me. BUT, of course, I would say 95%, if not more, people this world need more to be fulfilled in a relationship...and its something I know that I cant offer normaly (like all those extraverted persons), because its something I dont need myself...so in the end, yes I wish there was more people like us...which would not mean that I wish I would talk to them all...that I would be a more "Socical being" with them...so thats why its really selfish.
"ditto to before really. i think you need to realise that behind all of these thoughts is a drve to be love and be loved. You are a person of value and its not 'wrong' or 'bad' to be jealous or to not understand your suffering. thoughs lke that just happen when you're angry and upset with the world . your not the only one you occassionlly thinks like that."
Yeah, once again, I know Im not the only one...but if I was a good person really, instead of being beat down everything time a sad thing happens in my life, I would try to be stronger and get over it quickly...in a way, I think I've become dependant of all those negatives thoughts. Like if I didnt have them, I wouldnt feel as secure. You cant say that feeling pleasure for negative feelings and thought is something a "Good" person wouldnt do, no
of course it hard to understand why people would like you when you dont like yourself very much. trustin in eople always involves a certain leap of faith because we dont know the ins and outs of every human being, but that makes it all the more worth while. I remember someone once asked me would you either find love then lose it or neve have it at all. Maybe the whole negative imge you portray is just beuse you're scared to be yourelf around people infear of rejection or osing your fragile identity. Even so you are sfe here to do so . Plus if you dont open yourself up and risk getting hurt your takin a just as great risk in not finding love aswell. that doesnt mean you wont find it though, but sometimes you have to put yourself out there to be found.
LOL, just one thing I want to clear out. I like myself a lot ...I mean, yeah at one point in my life, like many people, I was disgusted of myself, I was cursing myself from everything that I was...but one day, I said it was enough, and little by little, I tried to accept every part of me. And I think it worked well (Around that time, I think I rejected every love for society in general)...Problem is, once you're convinced that you're not the problem....it doesnt mean that it will attract people more...the fact still remain that this is not the kind of personality that help you meet people. Of course, like I said before, I still have this self-defense mechanism where I reject every positive thing a person would tell me...but really I have no more problem with myself...But we shouldnt have to change for anyone...acceptation should come from both side dont you think? Really this is the recurring theme in this forum I just want to find someone who can accept me the way I am...because I think all a person has to offer in life is what she is really...all the rest is superficiality and just one big play....but since once again and again and again, its not how the world works...well it mean Im still in pain because of that...and not because of me...Yes im introverted, yes I dont like to go out since its boring me to death, yes Im a man of few word (at least in real life), yes I dont have BIG superficial expectation in a relationship, yes Im what you call a socialy rejected guy who have many hobbies who can be considered "loser" by most people, yes, yes, yes to everything....BUT IT DOESNT BOTHER ME AT ALL...im quite happy like that, and I dont want to change that just because it would please people...Everyone have their own personality, no one is the same, and we will never be exactly a perfect copy of someone else...I know that, and Im just searching for people with the same nature as me thats all...anyway I guess im turing in circle with my argumentation LOL, but I guess you got my point. I dont have any problem with my own self-esteem, I accept myself totaly and fully...just need to find someone who'll do the same
Anyway, the part about your family was really touching...since your first post, it was easy to see that your relation with your family was really complicated and was really one of your main concern in a way. But I would never have guessed it would be so, so...well I dont know, confusing....Im really sorry if by talking about my own family I open some wound in your own life, I was answering the question without thinking about the consquence...still, like always, I'll put comments about your text (I really like to write big text, you seem to be the same too )
My parents divorced when i was for and my dad soon after married his mistress and my mum married my step dad a few yers after. I live wth my mum and stepdad and my two 'real' brothers, 2 stepsisters and a stepbrother. In short my reltionship with my family is pretty crap. My two real brothers are very like me, introverted, creative, slef-obsessed. So naturally we repel each other because we are all clones of my egotisical father.
Its already a harsh begining...I feel so helpless in commenting this one. Its one of those situation where everything we could say would look like pity, and Im sure you wouldnt want to receive that..but really my heart was kinda torn while reading this text...I dont want to bitch your dad and all, but I cant understand this kind of behavior in an human being...cheating on someone, betraying his trust...its so low...so inhuman...I would like to think that an human being had evolved beyond the states of letting his animal instinct controls him...but its seem to be asking too much for many people...do these kind of person know how many people they hurt while doing this??? If they could just feel the exact same thing people around them feel when they do that...Im sure they would stop right away...really, I cant understand at all, its like they dont know the real value of a relationship...oh well.But please, stop blaming everything on your genetic ...the way you described him in this text is not the person I see in your post.
Personaly, I would have liked if my sister was intraverted like me, maybe we could have shared more things together, which was not the case, since she was always outside, having fun, while I was always inside, having fun too, but not on the same level...If you're really the sameas your brothers, I dont think theres should be any reason to repel each other (except if you see that has the magnet theory, where two identical pole do repel each other...but from my own experience, people with the same affinities seem to attract each other so...)
Its not like we argue, its worse we just arent comfortable around ech other. whenever my eldest brother comes back from uni. i hate o be alone with him beacsue it s always incredibly awkward and we never know wht to say. Last year i found out he is a self-harmer too. He doesnt speak to anyone in the family except my mother. My other bro. is very angry at heart and basically an alcoholic. I think he is very lonely like me because he puts on this whoe fke image so that people will like him. I wish i could talk to him about it but i cant because geneticlly we are both crap at talking about our feelings we just try and ignore thema lot of the time.
Well, for the first bro...I can understand how you or he feels (of course, you know what i want to say right here ), like I wrote sooner, all these talks things can become really tiring for people like us. Most of the times, the presence is enough, but of course like you said, it can become really awkward, because we (or at least I) are always thinking if we're doing something wrong, if we're boring and all...well if he is really like you described him, he must feels like that too..Maybe you just need to let the pression goes out...damn, he is your brother after all, and if you're really a lot alike like that, you have nothing to prove to each other...
As for the second bro, he may be indeed playing a role by believing it will bring him some hapiness in it....but sooner or later, he will realize that changing who you really are can only bring more sadness in your life (maybe he already know all that, but dont want to confronts it head on, so thats why he is violent and alcoholic...who knows...)...You could always try to talk to him really...but if he is really convinced that the role he is playing is the right thing...he might just reject you, even if it would not be the thing he would want to do...thats my vision, but I could be SOOOO wrong...
My step fmily are all extrverted. My brother is lovely relly and hes been maing an efort to get to know me by taking me to gigs and stuff hes really a very nice person. My stepsister hates me and the family, she depressive too and w dont et on any more becsue she said tht listening to be was ike sitting your wrists and waiting to die. THat particularly upset me because thought we used to get on well. obviously not . My other sister im been attached to since our parents married. We're not so close now but i still love her alot. shes probably the most normal person in our famiy to be honest.
Well the first good comment I hear from someone of your family (about your brother...or should it be step-brother?)...maybe its the exact same relation I had with my sister, always trying to be cheerful and all..Its just too bad our nature doesnt seem to get compatible, its like we have a close vision of the extravarted world, but cant get in, even if it would be the perfect occasion...I didnt understand fully what you meant about your first step sister...but it seems to be really depressive indeed. I dont think listening to people is a waste of times (I wouldnt be there if I was thinking that LOL), in fact, I could listen people speaking without saying a word all day..But if you cant even understand each other one bit, and she doesnt make any effort in being nice...well thats too bad for her...she will be the one who'll lose the chance of knowing a great person. As for the last step-sister, well theres nothing much to say right now since you didnt tell anything paricular...I think she must be almost to the "acquintance" level...
My stepdad is very sensitive which pisses me off becasue he holds grudges for ages. I dont appreciate him enough though. I never tell him i love him because im scared for some reason and i think tht realy upsets him. Me and my bros give him a load of crap but he bares it for my mums sake.
I dont know, he doesnt seem like a bad guy at all...yes emotional persons tend to hold grudge longer than other...but its only because they give their affection and trust to the fullest most of the times..so when they're hurt, well, their pain is deeper than others...Really, if he manages to accept all your devilish intentions of you and your brothers (just kidding ), then he must Really love your mother a lot, and thats worthy of respect if you ask me...maybe you should give him a chance.
My mum is the most amazing person iv ever met. She s always posiive even when me and my bros are shitty to her and none of us help round the house. My father ha an affar yet she kept the whole thing secret for ages so that we wouldnt get hurt. Plus she left her home (Brazil) to be with my dad. She is unconditionally good to me and i take her for grnted. At heart im jealous of her for being such a good person.
Dont be, because with your genetic theory, Im sure you must have a lot of her good genes, because, I can only see kindness in your post...its just that life seem to be testing you over and over, and you may have lost a part of this "Everyone is kind" vision of the world your mother seem to have. You (and surely your moether too...but I cant say for real of course), are the ultimate proof that not the entire world is wicked, that there's some glimpse of lights in it...
My dad is a bit of a wanker really.He up and left his first family to bugger off with his soon to be second wife, which i now resent him for. He had two sons with her then ahd another affair and is now with his third wife. He is in the army o moves around alot so we dont see him for months / years at atime. Hes a bit of a selfish bastard really. He gave his kids his crap, selfish genes then buggered off. I feel very sad for my hf brothwers too who also had to grow up without a dad. Hes had 5 kids and hasnt raised any of them. in ways i feel unbelieveably sorry for him but then i relise that had he wanted to be around us more he could have left the army to stay closer to us. It sad to know that your fther values the relationship with his wife and his career above tht of his 5 kids.
I cant really say much more than what I say in the begining of my analyze. I can understand he likes his freedom and all, but he should do that alone...doing what he does, at the expense of others sadness...its really sick...REALLY....sorry if it hurts you and all, maybe he is a good guy at heart, I dont know...but I cant have much respect for guy (or girl for that matter) with these kind of behavior...
I pretty much ersent him for procreting all together.
Well, you shouldnt....he may be a bastard and all, but if it was not for him, you wouldnt be there right now...and really, that would be a big loss for the world...You seem to be a really great person, and if genetic is what is needed to make a person personality...then I guess the match between your mom and dad bring a really great combination...so please, stop always using diminutive term all the times...maybe you're the one who dont love herself totally
PS:...every thought expressed in this text...blah, blah, blah....my opinion....blah, blah, blah....cant analyze...blah, blah, blah...you know the drill
Re: thanks
wow, that was a HUGE text!! Im really sorry that alot of my previous text was unreadabvle, this keyboard is a bit old and so the type isnt amazing.
okay........
Im trying the best I can to think that it doesnt matter, even if I should stay alone for the rest of my life.
well. i think i tried to make it a bit too straightforward when i talked about being alone. I forgot to think about thte fact that even if you know its okay to be aone it doesnt make you want a relationship any less. sometimes you cant really ignore feelings as strong as that.
all these rejection over the years have really made me believe that theres a big problem with me, that Im not worth of anyone
i can understand too that things like that can make you feel like giving up, but if you mean something to one person then that means you cant be all wrong, right? Like i said before i think half the battle is waiting for the opportunity. or going out and looking for yourself.
I dont need all these pety talk that seem to drain me of all my energy, or of all those extravagent activities...its not a proof of affection and all for me. BUT, of course, I would say 95%, if not more, people this world need more to be fulfilled in a relationship...and its something I know that I cant offer normaly (like all those extraverted persons), because its something I dont need myself
i dont know about the 95% thing. i mean if you and me are pretty similar and come from two different countries the chances are incredible that there er oads more people like us out there. Plus you're only in your twenties right, and alot of people that age are still experimenting and tryin to see where their life is gong and who they are. I bet loads of irls are in relationships like you described who dont find affection in thoses activitis either but havent figured out that there re guys with the same idea of relationship as them..
if I was a good person really, instead of being beat down everything time a sad thing happens in my life, I would try to be stronger and get over it quickly
I've noticed you ahve a recurring theme of being a 'good' or 'better' person. in realty there is no such thing, good is completely relative. Good and bad are just different. You go on about acceptng youself and not changing yoursef but then claim that you are inadequent and not 'good'. Nobody is 'good' by our western definition and if they were whos to say that they are better or more worthy than anyone else. Everybody hs things they dont like about themselves. Maybe you should use the things you do like about yourself to your advantage.
considered "loser" by most people, yes, yes, yes to everything....BUT IT DOESNT BOTHER ME AT ALL...im quite happy like that, and I dont want to change that just because it would please people...
okay that is a more positive thing. So your just fed up of waiting for someone similar to come along and be withn you. I can undestand that.
Im really sorry if by talking about my own family I open some wound in your own life,
not the case at all
sorry the bit about my first step sistern was terribly typed, this is the editted version
My stepsister hates me and the family, she's depressive too and we dont get on any more because she said that listening to me was like slitting your wrists and waiting to die.
there we go.
Well, for the first bro...I can understand how you or he feels (of course, you know what i want to say right here ), like I wrote sooner, all these talks things can become really tiring for people like us. Most of the times, the presence is enough, but of course like you said, it can become really awkward, because we (or at least I) are always thinking if we're doing something wrong, if we're boring and all...
it is amazing how accurate you are sometimes
I think you were pretty spot on about my other brother too. He was really upset yesterday actually. Hes got issues with his ex girlfriend and i think it ahd something to do with that. Plus i think he was feeling let down my his friends. So i thought instead of forgetting about it ike i usualy do i wrote him a card saying that i appreciate him and value him as a brither and tht i was sorry he was miserable. i left it on his bed and he gave me a big hug when hed read it I think he just appreciated someone showing that they care. so im glad i did tht for him.
Really, if he manages to accept all your devilish intentions of you and your brothers (just kidding ), then he must Really love your mother a lot, and thats worthy of respect if you ask me...maybe you should give him a chance.
you're right again. I just always seem to let off steam on him ad my mum because i fee safer with them. It must have been pretty tough o him to ccept three more kids when he married my mum. apparently i was horrible to him as a young child, but i dont remember. I think i was pretty horrible child anyway, my mum says that i was just a sad child. I dont remember much of my infancy though.
Im sure you must have a lot of her good genes, because, I can only see kindness in your post...its just that life seem to be testing you over and over, and you may have lost a part of this "Everyone is kind" vision of the world your mother seem to have.
I hope the half of her in me starts showing itself soon. I do believe that everyone has good intentions at heart but i find it easier to say tht about strangers than people close to me
You (and surely your moether too...but I cant say for real of course), are the ultimate proof that not the entire world is wicked, that there's some glimpse of lights in it...
Awww! Bless you! (I cant really say there is alot o truth in that but thank you all the same)
he may be a bastard and all, but if it was not for him, you wouldnt be there right now...
thtat is exactly my point. Sometimes i think what is the point o my existance when people like me are of no use whatsoever in a society which values compasion and generousity and all the stuff i am not. Im just living on in the backround. My life so far has only resulted in alot of grief for my parents and step family and tht is about it. I do think maybe i should do the stuff tht people dont like to do but need to be done to benefit society. Like have a go at people for doing anti-social stuff whih poeple dont do because they dont want to appear mean. I could be a grumpy old lady at 17 and tell all the kids off for damaging school propety Id be serving some purpose at least.
and really, that would be a big loss for the world...You seem to be a really great person, and if genetic is what is needed to make a person personality...then I guess the match between your mom and dad bring a really great combination
big stress in the 'seem' in that statement.
thnks anyway.
yeah i thought about the whole combination thing but i think my fathers genes must have been dominant.
And as for my dad. He's not all bad really because i know that he relly misses his kids and like me most of his faults are genetc. he just doesnt takl about feelings. Plus hi parents werent very affectionate towards him so i think at heart he felt a bit needy and when my mum came along, full of love and affection, how could he have known tht he was filling a void rather than being in love. I dont think he could have predicted that things worked out how they ave. What worries me is when i picture myself in his situation i think id probably do the same thing. I dont know if i woul sacrifice my happiness for my fmily...and that worries me.....
Im sorry, my last posts have been really self-centred. I feel like i keep turning everything into my own problem. The next post is yours i promise.......
Re: thankswow, that was a HUGE text!! Im really sorry that alot of my previous text was unreadabvle, this keyboard is a bit old and so the type isnt amazing.
No problem, except for the part about your first step-sister, I didnt have any difficulties to read, dont worry about it And by the way, dont be affraid by the post that follows its another REALLY BIG chunk of text
well. i think i tried to make it a bit too straightforward when i talked about being alone. I forgot to think about thte fact that even if you know its okay to be aone it doesnt make you want a relationship any less. sometimes you cant really ignore feelings as strong as that.
You're absolutely right, thats exactly what I think. When I think really hard about it, I know deep down thats, its ok, it will happen when it will happen and all, but still, every day without relation seem like a big drag. The missing part is always there and its like Im wasting all my life away (yeah yeah, I know all that crap about "You're young...blah, blah, blah...." but I still think pass the twenties, its something that weight more and more on the heart of people like me, except if you have an iron will and can pass over all those feelings...but too bad, its not my case, Im not that strong it seems...
i can understand too that things like that can make you feel like giving up, but if you mean something to one person then that means you cant be all wrong, right? Like i said before i think half the battle is waiting for the opportunity. or going out and looking for yourself.
LOL, yeah, but who would that be...I wonder....feeling something for someone is not enough it seems...or else, my long agony would have been over a long time ago And I know that I need at least to do half (if not more) of the way myself since it seems a general concensus that guy need to always be the one to do the first step...but anyway, thats what I did all the times, and it ended up with failure every times...so really I feel really, tired, with no energy at all when thinking about doing the first step another times, like I told to myself "What a total waste of times it would be, you know exactly what will happen"...I know it sucks...but thats where I am right now...it doesnt mean I would be like that once a relation would begin...but I guess I regressed way too much over the years....
i dont know about the 95% thing. i mean if you and me are pretty similar and come from two different countries the chances are incredible that there er oads more people like us out there. Plus you're only in your twenties right, and alot of people that age are still experimenting and tryin to see where their life is gong and who they are. I bet loads of irls are in relationships like you described who dont find affection in thoses activitis either but havent figured out that there re guys with the same idea of relationship as them..
LOL, well ok, the number I choose was just something I throwed like that, but I think you got my point...Anyway, me when I look around, I see a lot of people in the twenties that have began their life, with their family, their house, their big career and everything. I guess we have two different vision. Its like Im still at the adolescent level, and dont want to go further because Im too affraid of what will happen...And anyway, Im not so sure about the girl thing...well in a way thats true, maybe girls dont know that theres guys like that around...but that doesnt change the fact that most of them wouldnt want to find a guy who is exactly like them. You know, the big cliche about the strong guy with no emotion whatsoever protecting the girl while the guy in the shadow who seem to have no personality but a big heart and all...well will always stay alone...I just want to offer myself the way I am, and I want to receive the other-self the way she is. Im really sick of this big comedy, mascarade everyone seem to play by hiding who they really are just to get the opposite sex...no one seem to be true today....
I've noticed you ahve a recurring theme of being a 'good' or 'better' person. in realty there is no such thing, good is completely relative. Good and bad are just different. You go on about acceptng youself and not changing yoursef but then claim that you are inadequent and not 'good'. Nobody is 'good' by our western definition and if they were whos to say that they are better or more worthy than anyone else. Everybody hs things they dont like about themselves. Maybe you should use the things you do like about yourself to your advantage.
The thing I like about myself...mmmhhh I would have to think about that a little. I mean I love myself, and accept myself totally, but maybe thats just because Im just a lazy ass who dont want any radical change in his life...Well, when you talk about good and bad, I think they really exist, but unlike your definition that seem to talk about universal good and universal bad, I was more refering about our own vision. Inside, Im trying to change my own way of life (not my nature of course) because I think they're my own dark side...of course, to the eyes of others...it would mean "What the hell is he talking about, theres nothing wrong here"....I guess its more about our own inner struggle...
okay that is a more positive thing. So your just fed up of waiting for someone similar to come along and be withn you. I can undestand that.
Well thanks for the understanding...but its more about a person with the same nature, with just mutal acceptation of who we are, by each other...the rest doesnt matter...
sorry the bit about my first step sistern was terribly typed, this is the editted version
Well I have to admit it was quite funny to try to decipher LOL
My stepsister hates me and the family, she's depressive too and we dont get on any more because she said that listening to me was like slitting your wrists and waiting to die.
Well I guess I understood the general context pretty much, so my previous comment still apply...if she really think that, its her lost....
Well, for the first bro...I can understand how you or he feels (of course, you know what i want to say right here ), like I wrote sooner, all these talks things can become really tiring for people like us. Most of the times, the presence is enough, but of course like you said, it can become really awkward, because we (or at least I) are always thinking if we're doing something wrong, if we're boring and all...
it is amazing how accurate you are sometimes
Well I guess there may be some true about how sometimes its easy to analyze some things...but I still think its only a surface analyze. But i guess to us, doing long talk can be quite tiring, in fact, it seems the words are coming so easier when Im writing all this here.
I think you were pretty spot on about my other brother too. He was really upset yesterday actually. Hes got issues with his ex girlfriend and i think it ahd something to do with that. Plus i think he was feeling let down my his friends. So i thought instead of forgetting about it ike i usualy do i wrote him a card saying that i appreciate him and value him as a brither and tht i was sorry he was miserable. i left it on his bed and he gave me a big hug when hed read it I think he just appreciated someone showing that they care. so im glad i did tht for him.
Really that was a touching part...well, I thought he would be playing a role after this kind of contact, but it seems this was the kind of attention he was just waiting for...maybe like us (or like me) he just has a lot protective field around his heart that need to be undone by the attention or affection of someone...At one point, its almost impossible I guess to do that alone....Well all in all, congrat for your great action.
you're right again. I just always seem to let off steam on him ad my mum because i fee safer with them. It must have been pretty tough o him to ccept three more kids when he married my mum. apparently i was horrible to him as a young child, but i dont remember. I think i was pretty horrible child anyway, my mum says that i was just a sad child. I dont remember much of my infancy though.
I cant tell since I dont know about those kind of situation, but yeah, accepting children that arent your own is not something that must be easy to do for everyone...So add more point for him...just want to know tough...did he tries to show you some affection over the years...if not (or worse, if he showed you rejection), well it might not be as easy to be kind to him....but else, I guess you should try a little harder, like you just did with your brother...maybe...I cant say for sure about this one....
I hope the half of her in me starts showing itself soon. I do believe that everyone has good intentions at heart but i find it easier to say tht about strangers than people close to me
Well, Im not so sure about that, at first, I think people are selfish and only think about themselves...its so much easier to hate and despair than to love and hope. Trying to show good intentions is the real challenge in life I guess...and well you seem to already show that from what I can read on this topic, so I wouldnt worry there, I guess those genes are pretty active already
You (and surely your moether too...but I cant say for real of course), are the ultimate proof that not the entire world is wicked, that there's some glimpse of lights in it...
Awww! Bless you! (I cant really say there is alot o truth in that but thank you all the same)
Well, if you dont believe it yourself, its kinda hard to convince you But I still think that way...
thtat is exactly my point. Sometimes i think what is the point o my existance when people like me are of no use whatsoever in a society which values compasion and generousity and all the stuff i am not.
uh hu? You better check again, last time I checked the outside world it was pretty much the other way around. Thinker like you sure seem to be of better help to society than most people from my point of view (wich is an introverted one...so it might not be the general idea people out there have...but who care really )
Im just living on in the backround. My life so far has only resulted in alot of grief for my parents and step family and tht is about it.
Well, I guess it might be the first thing to do to help you gettin yourself togheter. Like my main problem in life is the lack of relation with a girl, your main problem seem to be revolving about all your family relation (and with a family like that, it means a lot of different relations to take care of).. Im not 100% sure, but resolving the problem that are right in front of our feet might be the best start to solve all the others after that...no use worrying about problems that you cant reach yet...begin cleaning the one you can first...
I do think maybe i should do the stuff tht people dont like to do but need to be done to benefit society. Like have a go at people for doing anti-social stuff whih poeple dont do because they dont want to appear mean. I could be a grumpy old lady at 17 and tell all the kids off for damaging school propety Id be serving some purpose at least.
Well, in my opinion, it would be great BUT, I have to admit, it would surely bring a lot of rejection for you...wich suck because you would be right for doing those...I just hope the Hanas and Ellie wouldnt gave up on you jsut because of that (well maybe Ellie, who knows)...and anyway, rejected people seem to attract each other...believe me, if you end up rejected, it would only mean that you'll be able to find more people like you...Screw the good appareance, if thats what you want to do (of course, you might be like me, and in the end, even if you think like that, you would be too lazy to do anything at all in the end LOL...oh well)
big stress in the 'seem' in that statement.
thnks anyway.
yeah i thought about the whole combination thing but i think my fathers genes must have been dominant.
And as for my dad. He's not all bad really because i know that he relly misses his kids and like me most of his faults are genetc. he just doesnt takl about feelings. Plus hi parents werent very affectionate towards him so i think at heart he felt a bit needy and when my mum came along, full of love and affection, how could he have known tht he was filling a void rather than being in love. I dont think he could have predicted that things worked out how they ave. What worries me is when i picture myself in his situation i think id probably do the same thing. I dont know if i woul sacrifice my happiness for my fmily...and that worries me.....
Well, thats a big question....Me I would like to think that in the future, I would sacrifice everything I have for my family...but who can tell if it would happen like that...and in a way, I guess thats why Im searching someone with the same nature...because I know I would be the kind of person who would follow blindlessly the girl he loves...and because of this weakness, I have to find someone who wouldnt try to change everything about his lover...I guess people like us wouldnt to do to others people what they wouldnt want to receive for themselves...So since I dont want to change who I am, I guess that may also be the reason why Im repelling everyone without knowing it...so if I would be able to find a girl who would accept me like that, than yes, I guess I would sacrifice everything for my family, since I would know she wouldnt try to take advantage of the situation like many girls out there seem to do I guess its a question we all need to answer for ourself first.
As for your dad, thats kind of a sad story in a way, like he was caught in a path which was not his own, which was imposed to him (argh, genetic and destiny once again), so I guess I cant judge him...(well we all need a part of freedom, if we are extraverted, we need to go out and see new people, and if we're intraverted, we need our private time alone...I guess we all need in a way some kind of liberty)....but I wouldnt choose my own total freedom over my wife and family. I guess its just a matter of where we put our value in life...my big ressent about my own states may have forged my mind without me realizing it...once again, I guess its a matter of how you feel...but I dont think personaly you'll be filling a void like you seem to think your father was doing. In a way...even if you have his gene...stop believing you're the exact copy of your father....Im sure all these trouble about you, thinking you're his clone, all come from the fact that you just convincing yourself thats its true...The power of the will his way stronger than that of the body..., you may even change yourself for real to be like him, just because you think like that...So for once, try thinking you're your own individual, not just a product of some biological plant...
Im sorry, my last posts have been really self-centred. I feel like i keep turning everything into my own problem. The next post is yours i promise.......
LOL you're kidding right, this is exactly the kind of post I want...Im the one who turn away people toward his own problem on this forum...but what I really want is to read more and more about who the people here really are...maybe for my own selfish reason (because he like to feed on people sorrow sigh....), but its so great to read about people...and dont worry, as you can see, Im not the kind of guy on this forum who will keep inside what he want to say about himself...so please do continue, and dont mind me at all
Anyway, if I have to talk a little about myself, I guess it would be a good times now to tell me all of your own problems, since Im in a good mood recently. Theres a second girl who answered to my pathetic profile on this dating site (for those of you who read this part somewhere on an other topic)...and so far so good, even thought the situation is REALLY complicated and I might not met her before a long time..but I couldnt care less, since unlike the MSN girl, she didnt find everything I say weird or loser, and even if I send her a lot of negativity in the first few communication (to repel her like always sigh...), she was still replying to everything I wrote. Well this was kinda weird, since normally its enough to make people go away...anyway, Im not sure if it will give anything at all, it might just stop with a friendship relation and all, but those communication with her prove to me even more that all my belief was right (well, normally its just e-mail and MSN conversation, but yesterday, we talked for over 2h30 by phone....it was kinda freaky at first for me...since I didnt know what to say..I think I looked my phone for many minutes before finding the courage to dial the number...well it was not so hard after all I guess)...The relation itself is more important than anything else...we never met yet, but gradually I feel the hole in my heart is starting to fill.....slowly, but I can feel a difference (in a way it sucks...because the more it fills, the more I feel all my problems go away...which really mean that the only thing I miss in life is a love relationship, with the emphasis on the word RELATION, theres no denial now...)and it proves to me that long distance relationship would indeed be possible for me...since I dont mind waiting for her and all (like I said the situation is really complicated), and anyway, even if a love relationship would not be possible, it wouldnt be so bad..I mean unlike the MSN girl who put me down a lot with her last comment, she seems to be true and dont want to hurt anyone...so anyway, whatever happen will happen I guess, at least I feel im not so unowrthy now So even if it end up with a failure again (well, it will surely happen just because Im me), I would feel really gratefull at least with this failure, unlike al the previous others.... Edited by: xellos667 at: 12/6/05 9:52 am
Re: thanks
Sorry it has taken me forever to reply to your last post my mind has been occupied with other things im afraid.
Before i start i just want to say I hope evrything is going well with whats-her-name. I cant believe this had been going on when you were having fit over being unlikeable etc etc! I hope that relationship is proving you wrong!!
...but that doesnt change the fact that most of them [girls] wouldnt want to find a guy who is exactly like them
exsqueeze me but that doesnt seem right at all. You know psychologically, when it comes to marriage men will get married when they feel the time is right to whoever they are in a relationship with at that time. Women however wait for the right person and settle down when they feel they are with the person they are suposed to be with. Thats not just my opinion there was a study on it. Girls are very sensitive and it would be alot easier for a girl to sacrifice social status and reputation etc. to be with someone she felt connected too in some way.
Im really sick of this big comedy, mascarade everyone seem to play by hiding who they really are just to get the opposite sex...no one seem to be true today....
know what you mean and it gets incredibly frustrating but personally i would value a guy far more if they werent afraid of who they were.
The thing I like about myself...mmmhhh I would have to think about that a little. I mean I love myself, and accept myself totally, but maybe thats just because Im just a lazy ass who dont want any radical change in his life
how can you love yourself and accept yourself totally if you havent a clue what you like abouit yourself??? you're kinda contradicting yourself. Maybe you havent grasped the whole process of acceptance. You have to recognise and appreciate your strengths and enjoy them and look your weaknesses in the face, understand them and then if need be in the future you can change hem.
But you do want radical change in your life from what i've interpretted from your text, and acceptance is necessary for thst to occur otherwise your head wil be in the wrong place.
im just gonna wait to hear about msn lady know becasue thats the interesting part!!!!!!
sorry its so short im really not in the mood to think.....
....)
)
... well that a lie by the way 
Edited by: 
Id be serving some purpose at least.
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