Very long post, but any help is greatly appreciated.
Hey, I'm a relatively new poster. I'm 18, male, Indian, and a first-year student at UCLA. Anyway, I really am glad I found a place to vent, get advice, etc. I've had these thoughts and feelings building up for months now and haven't really found any good place to let them out. I'm very sorry about the length of this post, but if I don't let it out all in one go, I will just explode. These feelings have been building up for months now and it's gotten to the point where I just can't concentrate on anything anymore. If anyone actually reads this and gives me anything, I will be so thankful. I have a few questions to readers posted throughout the post. Anything: advice, comfort, reprimand, whatever. Just some sort of feedback. So here goes:
I'm an introvert. I spend most of my time in my dorm and have hardly any real friends. Don't get me wrong. I'm not an anti-social schizo who talks to himself and bites people when they try to talk to him. I'm a completely normal guy. I just don't get out much and don't have many friends. I mean, I do say 'hi' and exchange pleasantries if and when we cross paths. If I see a friend in the dining hall, I sit down with him and chat. But I never go out of my way to socialize. Maybe it's just because I find it hard to find people like me, and when I do, I still don't make too much of an effort to get closer to them. Maybe it's fear. Mostly, I just focus on my work and entertain myself by listening to music, watching TV, surfing the net, or reading. I'm not into drugs, I don't drink, I don't smoke, and I'm not into parties. So, as you can see, I'm pretty much socially dead.
I plan to be a bit more social in the future, especially in my third year,but even then, not much. The reason I want to try to be social in my third year? I plan to study abroad in the UK that year. I guess I have this feeling that I can start over and build a social life from scratch there by meeting new people. I hate to stereotype, but Brits just seem much more agreeable with me than Californians do. I'll be honest with you. I'm sick of this place and I want to get out of here. But I digress. Plus, you'll see why I want to consciously try to socialize while in the UK if you read on.
I'm planning on focusing on my social life after college, when I get a job (in the UK of course!). My reasoning is that I'll be more mature, and so will other people I meet. So, what do you guys think of this...idea? Do you think it won't be possible for me to meet like-minded people in the UK? Do you think I need to be a bit more social? Do you think I'm just setting myself up for failure?
Now, regarding girls. I've had zero success with them in my life and don't expect to have much with them in college. I know this sounds like I'm looking too far ahead, but again, it's something that I desperately have to get off my chest. I do want to 'find a girl,' as cliché as it sounds, after college. And what I love is that I know what I'm looking for. Mature, not a real socialite, but not a hermit or anything, not a(heavy) drinker or smoker, simple (like me), with ecclectic tastes in music, movies, and books, and an intellectual. I do want a desi girl, and preferably one from India, simply because I just seem to be able to get along with them better. Don't think it's because I think they're naïve or anything. It's simply because they just seem more, well, agreeable to me. Not to insult American-born or British-born desis. I'm an ABCD myself, and I haven't ruled either of those two groups out. But it just seems that I get along with Indian-born people better, for whatever reason. By the way, regarding looks, is it really that bad to want a beautiful girl? Is it shallow? Is it reasonable or common? I honestly don't think it's possible to not care about looks at all.
The thing is that I'm not very interested in 'playing the field.' For whatever reason, I'm already looking torwards marriage, not thinking much about dating. Does this happen to anyone else?
I'm confused as to how it's supposed to happen. It's also a little apprehension and despair. I don't really know how to describe this feeling. I know what I want. I just don't know if I'll ever even get it. I look at myself right now, and I wonder if I can actually change enough to attain these goals. I suppose it's empowering to know that I have the ability to adjust my life to reach these goals, but it's also very daunting and intimidating, especially regarding girls. I don't know if I can ever make myself 'compatible,' as you normal people say, with a girl, much less the 'girl of my dreams.' I keep telling myself that it's okay to feel nothing when I look at girls on this campus because I'm waiting until after college to look for one. But right now, I can't imagine myself with a woman...ever.
I sometimes just feel so disheartened about this. I look at all the 'normal' college students out there. I see them socializing, going to parties, and getting girlfriends seemingly every few months or even weeks. I see frat boys and sorority girls constantly 'hooking up.' I see people going out to parties, getting hammered, and smoking hookah. I constantly see Indian guys, both on and off campus, who are so different from me. They style their hair, go out and party, drink, smoke hookah, and wear fancy clothes. And, no offense to them, but they come off as total, well, douche bags! And then I look at myself: a simple introverted engineering student who hardly thinks about sex, likes techno music, Jon Stewart, and the BBC and is not exactly Brad Pitt in terms of looks. I can't help but feel like some sort of...freak. And you know what else? But then I sometimes feel so confident about it, that I'll somehow find a woman. I get this warm feeling inside that I'll somehow come across a beautiful girl who's intelligent, simple, and not afraid to stand out from the crowd. I sometimes feel like everything really will work out for the best. It varies.
I guess the things that really get me down are the uncertainty of my ever finding a woman, how long it's supposed to take, and how much I have to change. I can't help but wonder where and how, if at all, I'm supposed to meet the woman. A website like shaadi.com or something like that? A chance encounter at a coffee shop? Work? In India? In the UK?
For most, it's agonizing to wonder who their 'one' is. I agonize just wondering if there even is a 'one' out there for me. If there is a 'one', so many questions cross my mind. What's her name? What does she look like? What does she do? Where's she from? What's she like?
I hear people say, “It'll come to you when you're ready.” I guess I'm just having trouble accepting that. I'm so used to everything happening at a set time: tests, test results, appointments, football games, flights home, getting acceptance letters, etc. It feels so odd not knowing when something will come.
I guess that, for now, all I can do is continue to live my life and ogle at Bollywood actresses.
Things are really going badly for me right now. I'm just getting crushed by academics, my sleep schedule is shot to hell, and now this feeling of confusion that's taken me by the neck and refuses to let go. They say that there's supposed to be a light at the end of the tunnel, that times like this are supposed to pass. If there is supposed to be a light at the end of this tunnel, I'm not seeing it.
Re: Very long post, but any help is greatly appreciated.
Hi newbie thanks for your post hopefully we xcan help a bit....
I'm not an anti-social schizo who talks to himself and bites people when they try to talk to him.
lol, first of all i had to point that out its hilarious!
Anyway im just gonna randomly comment on bits youve said if thats ok i find it easier:
I'm not into drugs, I don't drink, I don't smoke, and I'm not into parties. So, as you can see, I'm pretty much socially dead.
know the feeling! i am straight edge too as they say, not out of morals as such i just dont do those things so i can understand where you're coming from in our society those are just the ways to soicalize and 'have fun' so not being invoolved in it already sets us back but personally i think theres more to fun than getting stoned and wasted.
The reason I want to try to be social in my third year? I plan to study abroad in the UK that year. I guess I have this feeling that I can start over and build a social life from scratch there by meeting new people. I hate to stereotype, but Brits just seem much more agreeable with me than Californians do. I'll be honest with you. I'm sick of this place and I want to get out of here.
no way im british! and for starters i hate tyo dissappoint you but the brits suck! they're all cold and fat and stupid and rude and bloody dis-respectful. Then again i think i might be biased because im in the same situatio0n you are in in that i just want to get the HELL OUT OF HERE!! i hate to break it to you but you're problems arent going to be solved by moving away from them and i hate saying that becasue that is what i plan to do in going to brazil next year. i know what you mean when you jhust want to start again with new people so there are no preconceptions about you and you can recreate yourself. Yet its beginning to dawn on me that leaving the country everytime things dont go my way isnt going to work eventually im going to have to stray in the same place and battle it out with the same people. im not saying it will be the same with you but the same feeling may come to you at some point.
ive been to california actually, its the only place in the states ive been and i found the poeple to be really nice plus the weather is great ( its shat here as you probably know)
Do you think it won't be possible for me to meet like-minded people in the UK? Do you think I need to be a bit more social? Do you think I'm just setting myself up for failure?
honestly its hard to know but you've got to remmeber that uk and the usa are both developed western countries so your goiung to find the same kind of people. im not saying your doomed im just saying that there will aslo be people like you in BOTH of these places. i do think you've got the right idea in thinking you have to be soical, i think you do need to go out of your way to initiate frinedships to begin with whi9ch can be hard especially when people turn out to be different to what you expect, but once you have found people who aere similar to you it will become easier. i dont think you are settinig yourself up for failure but i am warning not to set your expectations too high. what you propose involves alot of hard work dont just expect it to happen when you get over here. when you say your indian do you mean literally from india? there is a strong asian community in britain which may helkp you plus if your american people are always ineterested in americans (because we are jealous of the superpower! but we all hate George Bush just to warn you!)
Not to insult American-born or British-born desis. I'm an ABCD myself,
okay i have no idea what any of that means!!
By the way, regarding looks, is it really that bad to want a beautiful girl? Is it shallow?
no its perfectly normal but i guarantee when you get to know a girl you like, her looks wont matter anymore.
I don't know if I can ever make myself 'compatible,' as you normal people say, with a girl, much less the 'girl of my dreams.' I keep telling myself that it's okay to feel nothing when I look at girls on this campus because I'm waiting until after college to look for one. But right now, I can't imagine myself with a woman...ever.
dont worry i ,as a girl, have similar porblems and i know for sure that im not the only one in felling this. the girl your looking for will be after the same things as you anyway. plus relationships tend to grow out of friendships anyway so you will become comfortable with whoever it is. all i can advise is dont think about it too much. i have the problem that i think of a perfect guy and then relaise that less than a 12th of the population fulfil that criteria so im already restricting myself and i havent even met anyone yet. keep your mind open dont immediately say no to the first girl that comes up to you because she doesnt fulfil all the things you think a girl should be i bet your life hasnt planned out like you thought it would so far so allow space for growth in your love life too.
I get this warm feeling inside that I'll somehow come across a beautiful girl who's intelligent, simple, and not afraid to stand out from the crowd. I sometimes feel like everything really will work out for the best. It varies.
ditto. i seem to have this innate belief that everything will turn out alright but then sometimes i think 'what if it doesnt' well then i have pretty much wasted my life waiting for the perfect esxperience to come walking up to me. life is what you make it. dont waste your life waiting for it to happen.
wondering if there even is a 'one' out there for me.
ok i think we might be on a different page on this one. i believe that there aremany 'ones' i think that people are very similar and we are compatible with many other people. i.e. we can be very happy and fulfilled with more than one person. life's too unpredictable for there to be a single 'one'. but you have to remember that if you wanbt to meet someone you have to put yourself out there a bit. she's not going to walk in your dorms and say 'excuse me is there a sad indian boy anywhere around here i think i want to spend the rest of my life with him' especially if she is like you she wil be apprehensive to make the first move.
They say that there's supposed to be a light at the end of the tunnel, that times like this are supposed to pass. If there is supposed to be a light at the end of this tunnel, I'm not seeing it.
my last comment is dont give up hope. this period of your life may be pivotal but it is a blink of an eye in relation to the rest of your life. things can be undone or done at a later date .all i can say is dont lety poeple or circumstances or idealistic dreams take the responsibility of your life out of your hands...
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