Catherine sat alone in the back of her Denali looking out into the vastness of the desert. She had to make a decision and it wasn’t an easy one, one that would completely alter her future. Things had been so hard lately. Lindsey. Her mother. Sam. Her job. Her promotion. Her lost friendship with Gil. Nick. It was never-ending. Problems coming so fast at her that she couldn’t even begin to comprehend all of them. All she could do was react. And, yet, they still kept coming faster and faster, overlapping and becoming part of each other. She felt as if the whole world was ganging up on her and she had nowhere to hide. She had felt this way when she was younger and she ran just as fast as she could then, only to end up in a cheap motel room waiting on the latest line to release her from it all. And today she wanted to feel that way again.

Getting the coke had been easy enough. The last crime scene she had worked had been the home of a dealer and it was littered with it. There was so much of the substance on the property that the small amount she took would never be missed, besides no one she worked with would think her capable of such a thing. She was working the office by herself, photographing and collecting the evidence. She documented every last ounce with the exception of what she took. Just to be sure, she had left a small amount from the stash in place so that no void would be noticed when reviewing the evidence. She slipped the small baggy inside her shoe about halfway through. She gathered the remaining evidence, packed her kit up, and walked out to her Denali and left. No one on the scene noticed anything unusual.

At the lab she went about business as usual, turning some evidence over to trace, other to DNA and still other to prints. Then it was back to her office to piece together what had happened to the victim. Two hours later she had a good idea of what had happened, a drug deal gone bad. Three hours later, she had her preliminary report completed and was on her way home.

She didn’t want it or so she kept telling herself. But it called to her day after day after day. The simple meditation involved in running a line. The care with which she would crush it into a fine powder then line up each and every last particle. The moment of inhalation. And the exhilaration that followed as the coke worked its way thru her system. So simple. So freeing. It had been so long without it. Yet she’d fought its seductive call for two months. Two long, stressful, agonizing months.

Her body shook with desire for the coke. She needed it so badly. The tightness in her chest, the hollow feeling of desire in her throat. Nothing in this world would satisfy her now. Nothing would stop her, save herself. She lifted up the bottle of Smirnoff and took another long drink, the alcohol subtly numbing her senses. She wouldn’t be able to go thru with this if she was sober. She wasn’t even sure how much she’d had to drink. She’d started with wine at breakfast. Drank beer all the way out into the desert. Now she had nearly finished the vodka. But if it took all the alcohol in Nevada in order for her to gain the strength to do this line then she was going to drink it.

Every time she thought she was ready for her line she thought about Lindsey and she couldn’t do it. Every damned time. And every time, she took another swig from the bottle. Her daughter was everything to her. Lindsey was the reason she had stopped doing the coke in the first place. She was the reason for her going to college and getting a degree. She was the reason for the day in, day out struggle that Catherine went through.

Her mind went back to that morning. Traffic was unusually heavy for this time of the day. Her normal commute was about 20 minutes. Today, she was already at 35 minutes and still had 10 miles more to go. If traffic didn’t start moving soon she wouldn’t be home in time to see Lindsey off to school. Looking around she determined that the interstate was not going anywhere fast. She also saw an exit up ahead. It would be a few miles out of her way, but she would probably get home a lot quicker cutting through a few subdivisions.

Twenty minutes later she arrived home just in time to give Lindsey a kiss on the cheek as she was getting on the bus. “Bite me,” Lindsey grimaced at her mother’s actions. Catherine watched the bus drive off and then went into the house, tears falling from Lindsey’s words.

She stared out into the desert again, not really seeing it, the tears coming again. The only thing she saw was the horrible life she had come to live. He ex-husband was dead, his murderer never caught. She’d blown up the lab. She had worked so hard on so many different levels to become the person she was only to find she was still nothing more than the person she tried to escape from. And, truth be told, that is who she wanted most to be.

The vodka was long gone. So was the beer. She looked at the lines of coke, desire clouding her blue eyes. Slowly she lowered her head down to the small mirror laying in the back of the Denali. Her eyes closed in anticipation, desire pouring through every ounce of her body. Just then her cell phone rang. She picked it up and looked at the caller ID, afraid it might be Lindsey. Relief momentarily swept over here as she realized who it was and that it wasn’t her daughter. She sat the phone to the side, ignoring the caller. She looked at the lines awaiting her, sighed and started back where she left off.

Damned phone was ringing again. She picked it up and saw it was the same caller. She watched the phone, willing it to stop ringing. Quiet once again surrounded her and she sat back in the Denali, waiting for the tension that the ringing had caused to leave her body. And then, she went back to the task at hand.

She was so close to the powder, all it would take was…

The phone. Again.

Him. Again.

“What the hell do you want?” she screamed, furious that he was interrupting what was going to be the best moment of her recent life.

“Hello to you too.”

“Is this important? Because I’m right in the middle of something important.”

“I thought we might could have a quick meal together before my shift starts. I went to your office, but Warrick said you’d called in. I called your house and your mother said she hadn’t seen you and…”

“You’re babbling and I don’t have time for this. Good-“

“Cath, wait.”

“Damnit Gil! I told you I’ve got something I need to take care of.”

“Catherine, where are you?”

“Doesn’t matter.”

“Catherine, talk to me.”

“I’ve got to go.”

“Please. Tell me where you are, whatever it is you’re doing I can help. I just really need to talk to you.”

“I’m in the desert.”

Gil managed to pull Catherine’s location out of her. He flew out of the lab. Something was wrong, she sounded drunk. He speed thru Vegas and out into the desert.

Catherine hung up the phone and looked at the coke sitting in front of her. She knew she couldn’t do it now. He would know she was high. She couldn’t let him see her like that again. But, then, if she went ahead and took it all in, then he’d have no proof. She sat in the back, debating with herself.

Gil pulled up behind her, shut off the engine and walked to her. She looked so tired, so confused, so hurt. Why hadn’t he noticed before now? Was he too wrapped up in his own anger at her to see what was happening right in front of him?

“Hey you.”

“Hey, you made it.”

“So.”

“Yeah.” This was awkward. But it was better than him seeing why she was there.

Gil walked over the Denali to sit down, pulling Cath with him. “So much for hiding it,” she thought. As he went to sit down he saw the mirror with the lines on it and it broke his heart. He knew how hard she had worked to kick the habit and wondered what had happened that was so bad to bring her back to this point.

“Wanna talk about this?” he said as he picked it up.

“Not really.” She turned her body away from him, not wanting for him to see her in this state.

“How long?” He reached out to her and pulled her back to him, feeling her stiffen as he did.

“I, uh... I was about to…when you called.”

“Then I’m glad I called,” he said as he pulled her closer.

“Whatever.” She jerked her body away from him and began walking into the desert, not caring if she ever came back. Catherine wasn’t in the mood for comfort. She was in the mood for coke and now that she wasn’t going to get that she was in an even worse mood.

“Talk to me.” He sat in the Denali, knowing that going after her would only make her run faster. He obviously had not noticed how bad things were for her before and now that he was here, he realized that it was a wonder she hadn’t done this sooner. But how could he help if she wouldn’t talk to him.

“Why? You won’t hear.” She didn’t even turn towards him. She just kept walking. He had had enough. He wasn’t going to let her destroy herself. He jumped up and quickly caught up with her, taking her in his arms once again. Hoping that she would realize that he was there for her and that he would do anything in his power to make her life better.

“Try me.” He took her face in his hands, looking into her eyes, wanting her to see his sincerity, to know that he wasn’t going to let her fall any further. They stood there like that, neither moving, neither speaking for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, he took her hand in his and began leading her back to their vehicles. He sat her down on the tailgate and hopped up beside her.

“Try you? Try you!!! Why all of a sudden are you so concerned with my behavior. Oh wait, I know. You’re afraid it will affect your precious lab and your “above-reproach” reputation.”

“Catherine, that’s not true and you know it.”

“Well then what is it? Afraid if I get fired your workload will increase? Well, you may as well get used to the idea because once this is reported you know I’ll be gone. Ecklie’s been waiting for this opportunity for years.”

“But you haven’t done anything, you said so yourself.”

“Covering for me again? Don’t bother. It just gives you another reason to insult me in private. And it puts your ass on the line and we both know you do not want to do that for me.”

Gil was biting his tongue. She was drunk, she was upset and she didn’t really mean what she was saying.

“I’m not your precious little whore from San Fransisco. I don’t have anyone wanting to come to my rescue every time I screw up or show up on the scene drunk. I’m not that stupid blonde who thinks your bowties need to be glued together. I’m not your co-worker any longer and I haven’t been your friend for even longer than that. So, tell me, how long before Ecklie and Cavello know about this?”

“Cath, you’re exaggerating. You’re drunk and you don’t mean any of this.”

“Bullshit! I mean every last word of it, you @#%$ prick.”

“Catherine, that’s enough”

“@#%$ you. I hate you.”

“Catherine, stop it.”

“Bite my ass. And get your @#%$ arms away from me.” She hit his chest with her arm and ran away again. “Just get the @#%$ hell away from me.” Tears began streaming down her face as she ran so that she couldn’t see where she was going. It didn’t matter though. She was running away, running harder and faster than she had ever run in her life, the physical manifestation of her inner turmoil. If she fell and hurt herself or killed herself it didn’t matter. She just had to get away now.

The alcohol had started to wear off along with the slight numbing of her emotions. She thought of Eddie again. The bastard left her with a child to raise alone. So she ran. She thought of Lindsey, trapped in the car and nearly loosing her life. So she ran. She thought of Gil and his hearing, how he had turned her away after his recovery from surgery. So she ran some more. She thought of Sam and her mother and the lifetime of lies they had fed her and she ran even faster. She thought of Gil’s look when he found out she had taken money from Sam and she turned, not knowing where she was going, but still running away. She thought of Chris. The bastard cheated on her just as Eddie had and she felt her feet pick up speed if that was even possible. She thought of Lindsey again. Her daughter hating her so much she was willing to risk her life hitchhiking to get away from her and turned again, totally without knowledge of where she was going. She thought of that night in the bar and Adam Novak. She thought of how Gil had practically called her a whore in front of the whole lab. She thought of Nick and how he’d nearly lost his life and how she had to run to Sam and promise him a relationship with her and Lindsey in order to get the ransom money. And she thought of Gil and how he wasn’t pleased with her actions. And Lindsey. How she had glowered at her this morning when she just wanted to let her daughter know she loved her. And how Gil had found her out here in this barren desert only to taunt her and take away the one thing that would help her find her release. And she ran harder and faster than she’d ever run in her life. If she couldn’t numb everything with the coke then she would run until she collapsed alone in the desert and no one would find her and she wouldn’t have to worry about any of it any more. And she thought of Eddie again. Damn Eddie, he was the luckiest bastard to have already died.

Gil had tried to follow her, but he couldn’t run as fast as Catherine. He wasn’t in the shape he had been a few years ago. It hadn’t taken long for her to loose him. He realized he needed to stop his running and think. He was a CSI after all and he knew how to follow the evidence. All he needed to do was to slow down and look for footprints in the sand. He did realize this, but his heart knew that if he didn’t find her quickly he wouldn’t ever be able to find her again. He didn’t want Catherine to become a case, he couldn’t let her become a case so he stopped. He took the time to catch his breath and then began looking at the ground. It took him approximately 15 minutes but he found her footprints and began following the erratic path she had left for him. He walked slowly. Catherine was fit, but she was also drunk and she would fall out eventually, too tired to go any further. He would find her then.

Catherine had no idea where she was or how far she had ran or how long she had been running. All she knew was that she couldn’t breathe and that her legs were cramping horribly. She didn’t want to stop but she couldn’t continue, the pain in her lungs and legs being too great. She was pushing her body to its limits. She ran on in spite of the cramps in her legs and lungs. Her vision clouded and she tripped over a rock, falling hard to the ground. She wasn’t getting back up, she would just lay there till she died. She didn’t care. No one cared. There were no more tear. She was beyond tears now. She closed her eyes knowing that her pain would soon be gone for good.

Gil had been following her footprints for about an hour. He was amazed that she had been able to continue her flight for this length of time in her condition. He knew he was getting close because the shoe patterns were becoming erratic and showed signs of her feet dragging. He walked on for another half hour before he found her, collapsed on the ground. He leaned over her body, gently nudging her in order to wake her. Catherine whimpered. He sat down and pulled her to him, brushing the hair from her face.

“Catherine. Catherine, c’mon, wake up.” He stroked her cheek softly. “Cath, answer me.”

She slowly opened her eyes. Damn it, Gil had found her. She struggled in his arms, desperate to break free. But he only tightened his gripe. He would not let her run again.

“Catherine, be still.”

He looked in her eyes and what he saw frightened him. Normally when he looked at her he saw passion, fire, love, hate, rage, hope, humor, sadness, stress, flirtation. He saw life. At this moment he saw nothing but defeat. He did the only thing he could do, hold her, and as he held her he cried for her. Cried for whatever demons inside of her had brought her to this point.