I' ve never had a friend for very long, never had a friend in the last 3+ years. I'm 19 and attend university.
I used to be shy, now have some people skills.
I don't like talking about many things, just my boring interests haha, and so people don't like people like this.
I am a nice person, pleasant and polite. Girls like me because I'm a nice guy, but nice guys also happen to finish last.
I have never had a girlfriend... girls like me from first impressions but once they get to know me they get bored.
Same with guys, though I'm sure that if they like me it's for different reasons LOL.
I don't have much of a personality - people often say this. In reality we are all unique and have our own personalities... but us quiet lonely people tend to have less interesting/attractive personalities. I don't actually think there is anything wrong with it, but it doesnt' help us at all
I get very lonely and bored.
The things I like to do are only fun if shared with other people... life is much more fun when it can be shared.
So I pretty much just do nothing.
I am a positive person and I love to laugh, but I also hurt, and try not to show this.
There are some kind people who haven't given up on me in the short time I've known them, though I would consider them acquaintances and not friends. But I can't open up to them - in my experience this ruins things and is unfair to them because they will feel burndened and obligated to cheer me up or help me out and most people don't like this.
So I have no one to talk to.
So that brings me here. I'm here to be as positive as possible though, but everynow and then I need some help and advice too like everyone.
My family life is terrible, I hate university and got bad marks last semester because I was sick of being alone, going to classes alone, having people think I'm a loser (not an exaggeration... people are cruel and actually tease other people... it's very sad).
People I meet always treat me badly. Using me for my good nature, making fun of me and never being welcoming or inviting.
I am an average guy, I dress well, am not extremely ugly (fro any guy who is interested - looks aren't important for women, speaking from lots of experience), I am smart, interesting, interested in other people, let others do the talking and keep quiet about myself, have read many books on relationships and socialising etc.
Now, being lonely does suck and I wish I could share things with other people, but recently I've come to some conclusions.
I am not made to have lots of friends. So I would like just one really, especially if she is that girl out there for me
Also, I am not like other people. I am too quiet, too plain, and too lacking in personality.
And also, anyone I meet will have to be like me... I really only get along with fellow loners/quiet people because they are the only ones who understand me.
So I'm waiting to meet that loner girl out there lol. That's what keeps me going... and I'm running on empty too.
I really just need human interaction lol and so that's why I'm here.
Also, I really need to meet this loner girl! Haha. So I'd appreciate any advice on how to do this.
Obviously I'm just going to be myself... I don't have that problem... I just don't know where to meet her.
I am interested in the internet, reading, schoolwork, nature... so hopefully some girl with similar interests can come along.
I took several girls out for a casual date last year but nothing worked... I don't lack skills or confidence or belief in myself... I just lack the opportunities to meet the girls and this is what I want to change.
I try to be outgoing, but I need to be true to myself, and I'm not outgoing.
I am wondering if I should wait for a girl to show her interest in me... I've always tried hard and made the moves and always foudn the wrong girls... But I think I'll still try harder, but be more specific in who I approach.
The key thing was that only fellow loners (it's a cruel description ) understand me and so I would like to meet a loner girl like myself.
Thanks for reading! That is so long!
See you all around, I'll try and stick around and see if I can't do my bit to keep the board alive.
Well, we'll see what the problem is thorugh your text, and we'll try to talk about it
I' ve never had a friend for very long, never had a friend in the last 3+ years. I'm 19 and attend university.
Well, what happen to the firend that was there 3 years sooner??? Did they all go one with their life?
I used to be shy, now have some people skills.
I don't like talking about many things, just my boring interests haha, and so people don't like people like this..
Well welcome to reality...most of the times, people dont want to lend a hear to things of no interrest to them. Even you said it "I don't like talking about many things, just my boring interests"...I guess its normal...problem is that it seems that some people seems to be quite popualr with any kind of talk...while even if we try our best...it ultimately fails.
I am a nice person, pleasant and polite. Girls like me because I'm a nice guy, but nice guys also happen to finish last.
I have never had a girlfriend... girls like me from first impressions but once they get to know me they get bored.
Same with guys, though I'm sure that if they like me it's for different reasons LOL.
LOL I see, I can perfectly understand how you feel...the wqhole story of my life is revolving around rejection by the girl...if you read some others of my posts.. you will see that the lack of love relationship in my life is the main concern in my loneliness.
I don't have much of a personality - people often say this. In reality we are all unique and have our own personalities... but us quiet lonely people tend to have less interesting/attractive personalities. I don't actually think there is anything wrong with it, but it doesnt' help us at all
All that true...Im a ghost myself (dont know if some peopel here read the part that I wrote about my Anime club), we seem to pass right in front of everyone eyes, without being seen by them... we seem to be just a soul-less shell to them.The problem just came from the fact that we are shy, and that we need to be discorved from the inside...now just by first look..But yes, like you said, theres nothing wrong with that...we are who we are, and people should accept us like that
I get very lonely and bored.
The things I like to do are only fun if shared with other people... life is much more fun when it can be shared.
So I pretty much just do nothing.
Well im curious, what are thos thing you're talking about...as for me...most of the thing I like to do are made to be done alone...I guess it come with my intraverted nature
I am a positive person and I love to laugh, but I also hurt, and try not to show this.
Well, I'll say, you also need to talk about what hurt you too, dont wear a mask to hide it...anyway, on this forum, you're alwyas welcome to express your pain
There are some kind people who haven't given up on me in the short time I've known them, though I would consider them acquaintances and not friends. But I can't open up to them - in my experience this ruins things and is unfair to them because they will feel burndened and obligated to cheer me up or help me out and most people don't like this.
Yes its true, many people tend to give up on us the moment we become an emotional burden. But the hard thing to realize in all that..even if we're affraid of loosing the few people that are around us, if we want to find real true friend...we need to confess to them also. A true friend will listen to you, whatever the case may be. SO i guess you'll have to open your heart one day.
So I have no one to talk to. So that brings me here. I'm here to be as positive as possible though, but everynow and then I need some help and advice too like everyone.
Well Im always trying my best to help everyone here...would be cool to see some others helping sometimes too , but it doeesnt matter, they'll post if they feel like it
My family life is terrible, I hate university and got bad marks last semester because I was sick of being alone, going to classes alone, having people think I'm a loser (not an exaggeration... people are cruel and actually tease other people... it's very sad).People I meet always treat me badly. Using me for my good nature, making fun of me and never being welcoming or inviting.
What is so bad with your familly life...if you want to talk about it...Anyway, abotu people cruelty...wlcome to life into society...nothing new under the sun
Just dont believe you are the cause of this problem...
I am an average guy, I dress well, am not extremely ugly (fro any guy who is interested - looks aren't important for women, speaking from lots of experience), I am smart, interesting, interested in other people, let others do the talking and keep quiet about myself, have read many books on relationships and socialising etc.
You seem to know a lot about who you are...and thaqts a good point, and you seem to want to find a way to help yourself...so I would say, you in the right way...
Now, being lonely does suck and I wish I could share things with other people, but recently I've come to some conclusions.
I am not made to have lots of friends. So I would like just one really, especially if she is that girl out there for me
Also, I am not like other people. I am too quiet, too plain, and too lacking in personality.
And also, anyone I meet will have to be like me... I really only get along with fellow loners/quiet people because they are the only ones who understand me.
Well thats a common observation among us, of the intraverted clan. FInding people of the same nature as us...and quality over quanity...as for finding a girl...well...thats an other story
So I'm waiting to meet that loner girl out there lol. That's what keeps me going... and I'm running on empty too.
I really just need human interaction lol and so that's why I'm here.
Well, this forum is dead...Im not sure if you will find a lot human interaction here
As for finding a loner girl...well I've been trying for 23 years, and still no sucess..I guess girls dont like over-sensitive and shy guy like us.
Also, I really need to meet this loner girl! Haha. So I'd appreciate any advice on how to do this. Obviously I'm just going to be myself... I don't have that problem... I just don't know where to meet her.
I am interested in the internet, reading, schoolwork, nature... so hopefully some girl with similar interests can come along.
Well cant say much more either here. I hope your call will be heard, but Im not too sure if this forum is a dating site LOL (did uyou ever think about dating site...well I have tried it...just bad experiences for now...but anyway...it might worth a try)
I took several girls out for a casual date last year but nothing worked... I don't lack skills or confidence or belief in myself... I just lack the opportunities to meet the girls and this is what I want to change.
Well at elast you've dated some girls...this is not the case for everyone here
I try to be outgoing, but I need to be true to myself, and I'm not outgoing.
I am wondering if I should wait for a girl to show her interest in me... I've always tried hard and made the moves and always foudn the wrong girls... But I think I'll still try harder, but be more specific in who I approach.
Well trying to ask a girl out always ended up with rejection for me...Waiting for the right girl never worked too...So I dont know what to do...I'll say, yeah being ourselves is the only way to live our life...but in my case...it seems its not enough...Anyway, I'll wish you more luck than me
The key thing was that only fellow loners (it's a cruel description ) understand me and so I would like to meet a loner girl like myself.
you're really fixed on the idea you'll meet the right girl like that on this forum. I may not have any experience in the department...but Im pretty sure a love relationship is build around mutual trust...and well, its hard to do when asking just like that on some lost forum on the internet...Oh well, I wish you luck still...
Thanks for reading! That is so long!
At least it was my pleasure...I like to write long text
See you all around, I'll try and stick around and see if I can't do my bit to keep the board alive.
keeping this board alive uh? LOL well that would be something great...wouldnt be alone to do it
As you have guessed Xellos is kind of God on this forum...and he wont let you down.
All I can say is we seem to all be in the same boat so you're in the right place to find same-minded people. The problem is it can seem a bit hopeless sometimes.
'don't have much of a personality - people often say this. In reality we are all unique and have our own personalities... but us quiet lonely people tend to have less interesting/attractive personalities. I don't actually think there is anything wrong with it, but it doesnt' help us at all '
I her ya there. The world moves so fast t just seems like people dont hve the time to nurture a relationship with people like us. Iv always consideredmyself boring. Simply becasue I hate smll talk and all i ever want to talk about is things which really matter in the long run. like politics or philosophy etc.
As for your internet romance thing..my uncle and aunt met on the internet, chatted for 6 months then met up and got married. They're still together after 6 years so there is hope, but dont set your hopes too high, a romance wont be the end of all your problems i can guarantee that.
Re: New and friendless
Lol, where did I say I wanted an internet romance or to meet someone on this forum?!
Uh uh, that's not for me, I won't do that for a million reasons. It nearly never works out and there are a lot of problems with it all, a lot of which I've experienced first hand.
I'm not looking for romance to end my problems - I know it can't end them.
I wanted to meet a girl because I will have to eventually unless I want to live a lonely life and die an unloved, unhappy and unfulfilled bachelor.
Yeah Xellos I read your story about the anime club, that was bad.
The "friends" I had weren't friends, just people I hang around with to prevent myself looking lonely lol. I never had friends in high school and was alone most of the time especially the last three years.
I agree with what you say Xellos about people having to get to know us from the inside first... that's exactly what it's like, and no one is into this because it isn't the "normal" way to get to know someone.
Maybe I was a little ambitious in saying I wanted to keep the forum alive! Lol.
There isn't really any problems with my direction in life... I get a bit of course every now and then but I think I have it all under control - but this doesn't mean things will improve because it doesn't work like that.
I just have to accept and be happy with being alone and maybe a miracle will happen and one human being in the world will understand me and want me as their friend.
So yeah, I am not hear to get dates hahahaha, just advice on meeting that girl in person!
Re: New and friendless
Also I don't like to talk to "friends" or potential friends about being lonely because then they will feel obligated to be a good person and "entertain" me and keep me company and I don't want people to feel like that - most of the time they won't stand for it and would rather hang out with someone who is less of a burden.
Re: New and friendless
hu uh hushedfootsteps, like I told you before, if Im the god of something, then Im might be the God of mediocrity. If im always here, it may be because my life seems really wrong to me Anyway, I always thought hushed that you were the exact opposite of boring, at least from what I could when you were posting. But then again, I guess its the proof that its because we have a different vision of what life should be...Why cant we express what we feel without the extensive use of word...
Anyway as for you "him", well, waiting there, for some miracle to happen, well it seems to be the definition of my life. Like you, theres nothing really wrong with my life. I got the job, I got the friends (well at least two), I accept the fact that I dont like being in group, and feel more at ease when Im alone...but its great to see how just the fact that I have no love relationship in my life can destroy everything else in my mind...thats so pathetic...Im always praying from all my heart that I will be accepted for what I am, an intraverted sensitive shy guy with few words...but hope alone doesnt works...this kind of guy dont attract anyone.
Anyway, as for the reomance on the internet...well, as of now, its a big failure too in my life...I tried a dating site...but it ultimately fails...so anyway...lets continue to live our life as lifeless being wandering this Earth in search of something that cant seem to be findable...
Im wondering, maybe I should start wrting a blog, or a live journal of my every day life, instead of wrting everything on many diffrents forum...it would centralized my every thoughts and feeling itno one place...could be a good idea...Just need to choose between my native langage French (which would mean easier to read and deeper too), or English (which would mean more reader)...or maybe both
Re: New and friendless
Hi. I know exactly what you mean about talking about your lonliness. -"I don't like to talk to "friends" or potential friends about being lonely because then they will feel obligated to be a good person and "entertain" me and keep me company and I don't want people to feel like that."- I care very much about what people think of me, and I can't stand it if I think someone is my friend b/c they pity me. As for the girl situation...there are some of us out there that aren't shallow or rude. I think you just have to wait for the right person to come along. I'm a loner myself, and I find it hard to meet guys...especially guys that have a similar personality as me. I've never had a boyfriend for longer than a few weeks and I've never actually had strong feelings for them either (I think I just get too self conscious or something). I just won't lose hope. You said you were boring...what kind of things do you like? I'm a biology major...you? Do you like sports? Watching tv? Computer games? You can't be that boring...lol. Everyone is a little interesting!lol
Re: New and friendless
Yeah Hushed, I am like you, I prefer to discuss deep things but people would ratehr talk about tv shows and things like that, I never feel interested in most things people talk about. For this reason I often feel most alone when I'm with other people.
There are people like us out there who like to talk about these things, we just have to meet them and maybe a few of them will have the other things that would make them good friends also.
This is actually one crition I have for meeting someone who will be that friend I don't have... I will be able to talk to them - I am not really able to talk to other people because I feel like I have to repress my true self in order to fit in, for example, talking about things I don't find interesting.
That is a bad thing to do and it's not preferable but in some cases I think it's worth doing if it stops the loneliness even for a moment.
Myself, I'm a nerd lol. I like geeky things... that's not so bad, there are heaps of people like this. But I am not so nerdy that I come across as a nerd if you know what I mean, it's just my interests that are nerdy. I've met other people like this at university too.
The harsh reality of it all is that I am not a people person, I am not some person people want or need to know.
Also, though I have nerdy interests I don't really like people with the same interests, they are just boring, lol - if someone had the same interests as me it would be cool but most people who like things I like tend to like things I can't stand and they don't like the non-boring things that I like. Also, they aren't good ways to meet girls especially girls who I find attractive.
A part from university I have nothing in my life, no ways of meeting people. The only time I meet girls is at stores, I think this would be my best bet, I guess I'll just have to do this
Also I live far from my school and so people I don't ever meet anyone from where I am from.
Also, where I am the girls are generally um, slutty, I can't really put it kindly. The guys are all sleazes too. I don't really have much in common with people from where I am from, I value different things and I am not their sort of person.
I don't even know what I want anymore... do I even want a friend?
Does anyone feel like this? Not knowing what is really causing their pain?
Hey collegekid. Yeah I'm just waiting, wishing.
I actually doubt whether I am capable of having a girlfriend really. I don't feel like I can love anyone and I don't feel attached to people in any way.
I'm an engineering major. I love sports, don't watch tv or movies, don't play many video games (I would if I had people to play with, it is much more fun that way, I find it too boring without other people).
I find myself interesting lol, someone out there must find me interesting, but nearly all people don't.
I am nothing special physically and in terms of personality I'm a zero. Girls often flirt (there are lots of single girls out there lol) but once they talk to me they realise that I'm so not what they were looking for.
I also have no talents and am mediocre at everything that matters (how many chicks like guys who are good at maths or things like that haha).
I don't have a brilliant sense of humour either.
I'm not really into talking much and extremely introverted. I can't cope with a lot of social interaction and so a girl would have to be cool with this... that is so unlikely to happen.
Well collegekid I think your situation is really promising - simply because you are female. Women have a great control over guys.
If you like a guy then flirt. I don't mean act slutty or something, I just mean be friendly and make them feel comfortable. You really have to give a guy the green light before he will approach you or show interest. Don't be afraid to take the initiative and do something out there.
If you like parties then go to them. At a party I would almost guarantee you that you will get guys asking for your number.
I'm not a huge fan of getting to know people in classes, but only because the several hundred times I've tried it just doesn't work out.
Lectures and classes are easy ways to meet people. Sometimes I just go and sit next to a girl I've never seen before and talk to her like I know her haha.
My school has a much higher proportion of girls than guys... my course is different though, nearly all guys. I dont' see any evidence of the huge female population lol.
I've joined all sorts of clubs to try and meet people too, I assume you have too (?), they are good ways to meet people. In my case I'm not really social enough for them to work. Just make sure you only do things you are interested in so that you will meet like-minded people.
OK, I'll end my bitch/whinge there. Thanks everyone
Quote:I actually doubt whether I am capable of having a girlfriend really.
I am the same way, just simply dismissed the idea because it simply won't work.
Quote:Does anyone feel like this? Not knowing what is really causing their pain?
I also feel like this, more confusion than anything. Just think about what your goals in life are.
I think what makes me sick is that i have lived my whole life for myself, not others. I'm tryin to get into this child mentoring program to see how that goes.
Heh, I as well am 19, and go to engineering college Mines, CO
Re: New and friendless
Ok dunebeetle, that is just freaky lol.
I have lied my entire life too... Except for me it wasn't for myself, it was for everyone else. I used to lie to hide the fact that I was a nerd at heart and so was never myself, always trying to fit in seamlessly.
I had a serious problem with lying though, it was compulsive. I'd lie at every opportunity. I managed to stop it mostly, though every month or so I'll chuck in a lie. Still things are much better. I am happier being honest and not being fake, even if it means less people will like me.
I was only ever cheating myself and so that was my motivation to be true to who I am.
I've considered mentoring programs too, but I am too busy to do it... I don't think I would pass if I had to do too much else.It would be a great experience though.
I'm curious though, you said you have dismissed the idea of having a girlfriend (I've dismissed it to but can't commit to the dismissal and jump at any remote chance I might come across), how has that affected you? Do you feel better or worse? Why do you think it wouldn't work?
Re: New and friendless
Also, I really don't know what my goals are in life... I feel at odds with the world... I just want to be happy, that is my goal, but I don't know what I should do to achieve this. I just live with whatever happens and hope that things turn out well... that's not really a good idea.
I dont' know what I need to do haha.... funnily enough I'm the only person who can know what it is, so if I don't know no one does.
My life is empty and pointless. I go to university and that's it. I don't do anything else. Maybe read the odd book, listen to music, get off my ass and do some exercise... I don't do anything that is people oriented, seems like a problem considering that all of life is about people really.
If your life is pointless...many others people life would be pointless too...mine to begin with. ANyway, your story was really touching "him"....I was able to recognize myself a lot in your comments...except that right now, Im not at school anymore, and in the social environment Im evolving the chance I found someone one day are close to null...So I would say...give everything you got while you're at the university...because once out there, the harsh reality of loneliness is just harder...
Anyway, Im really glad you came to this board "him"...maybe you can take over me as the position of the "So-Called" God of this forum...because I guess I have become old and boring with the times...and since you arrived, people just started to come back like magic...it must be fate Edited by: xellos667 at: 1/27/06 10:26 am
Re: New and friendless
Thanks for the advice "him." I just read your other posts and I must admit...i'm a bit surprised to find out that you and I are very similar! That thing you said about lying...I do it too. I'm not a compulsive liar; I just tell people what I know they want to hear. If someone I know asks me what I did over the weekend, I lie and say I went to a party or hung out with some friends (when i was probably hiding in my room with nowhere to go). What you said about having a g/f - "I don't feel like I can love anyone and I don't feel attached to people in any way."- sometimes I feel this way. Any guy I've ever "dated" (I put that in quotations b/c i've never dated a guy for more than a few weeks and its never been serious) I've kept at a distance. I don't know why...I've always just felt smothered after a while. Maybe I'm just afraid they'll find the real me...a girl who's so caught up with how other people see her she can't ever be herself. Come to think of it...I don't know who I really am. I'm most happy when I meet someone new and think i may have found a friend...but even then I'm not myself. The only other time in my life that I've ever been happy is when I'm playing basketball. Maybe it's because I get recognition for that...i don't know. Anyway...as for the meeting guys part...I always feel like im out of my league so i don't act on my feelings. This year I had one really embarrassing situation where I thought this guy liked me (I had heard this from an aquaintence)...and I asked him if he wanted to go to this show with me (after i spent days working up the nerve to ask him). Well...he told me he would come and then kind of blew me off. I later heard that he was afraid it was going to be a date so he didn't want to go. That totally shot my confidence. I can't help but think there were other reasons for him not showing up...but that was the first time i had the courage to act on my feelings and i ended up really hurt. I still feel like crying when i think of how much i embarrassed myself (it seems like its not a big deal but to me it is). Anyway, my school has a pretty high female population (70%?) and the guys are mostly sleeping around. I've tried the club thing, but we don't have a lot of clubs b/c we're a small school. I know the people on my sports team and i talk to people in my classes, but im not close to anyone. To be honest, i really want to find someone i can love or at least like a lot...lol. And i've never admitted this old loud before...but I yearn to be caressed, hugged, or even whispered to. Maybe this will be the semester I meet someone. As for your situation...I'm sure you're a lot more than you give yourself credit for. A math major would appreciate skill in math and i doubt you have zero personality. Even your writing seems interesting...you can't be that bad!lol. Do you ever wish you had a different personality? Every day i wish i was born with a personality like most people...outgoing and super friendly. Life is tough when you're trapped in a body that doesn't let you fulfill your desires...Well sorry for jumping around so much and for having such a long post. It's not often I open up like this...i already feel that ive said too much.
Re: New and friendless
Thanks for the advice Xellos about making the most of university, I think you are right, from what I can guess I would think that it is much harder when you have to leave university and get a job and don't have the opportunities to meet people easily.
I felt like this in high school, I felt like I had wasted the opportunities I had to meet people. I did waste them, I have no friends from my high school.
I also felt like this in my first year of university, there were so many opportunities to meet other people who were new and looking for friends and I wasted them too. I met hundreds of people but out of it got no friends at all. I am clinging to the hope that there are people, especially girls in the same position as me out there who I am yet to meet.
I just had a thought (revelation? haha)... I think that I think my life is meaningless are pointless because there is no one to share it with, and no people in it. If I had other people in my life then I think that it would have meaning.
I say this because of what you said Xellos about how "many others people life would be pointless too"... it made me think - I realised that my life isn't any more devoid of meaning than anyone else's, the simple difference is that my life has no people in it... if people who had good lives had all the people removed from them then I think they'd say their lives are pointless to.
Hehe, well I would like to think I am responsible for any rush of people lol, but I think loneliness is the real culprit. Boards like this make me sad that there are so many people who feel this way. I wouldn't wish this feeling upon a worst enemy.
Today I feel sooooo lonely. I didn't talk to anyone all day in any way, I just watched a bit of tv and sat around feeling sorry for myself.
It's so weird because even when I don't think about being lonely I still have that feeling, no matter what I'm doing. I wish I could ring someone up and go somewhere and have fun, it's so hard when you can't do this.
Quote:I just tell people what I know they want to hear.
.... wow collegekid, that sums it up much better than I would be able to, that's exactly what I do. I think "what should I say to make them like me" and things like that also.
Collegekid you said something very interesting:
Quote:Maybe I'm just afraid they'll find the real me...a girl who's so caught up with how other people see her she can't ever be herself.
That is an amazing sentence, I'll tell you why.
You say that the real you is caught up in how people see you... then you say that you're afraid guys would find the real you. Do you see the connection? Basically that first sentence is you being that girl caught up in how people see you.
So from that I can conclude that the real you actually isn't a girl caught up in how people see you - the real you is a happy girl, without a worry in the world. You only described the real you that way because that's what you are caught up in. But if you stop being caught up in it then the REAL you will shine through. You won't be caught up in how people see you, you won't have to hide this, you won't have to worry about people seeing it - people will see you as you see you.
Now, I used to be extremely self-conscious, inadequate and afraid of how people saw me. It ruined me, I couldn't be myself, I had to hide this self-conscious person. But when I became the opposite person I became much happier.
Now I can't say there was any one thing that made me change. It is about facing your worst fears, you have to be very brave to try and get over it.
I can tell you now that at the moment people will be able to sense some unhappiness in you and sense that you are worried about other people's perceptions not matter how hard you try to hide it all.
I can also tell you that if you stop worrying about how people see you that people will only see you in a positive light - firstly because you are a great person and you just have to have some confidence in that, and secondly because if they see that you are comfortable with who you are then they will be comfortable with who you are.
Our self-perception nearly always mirrors other people's perceptions of us. This is very important! If you can accept this it should be able to help you overcome this.
Be confident and happy and comfortable and you will appear that way - and people will find this attractive... you won't have to worry at all about how people see you!
That's the thing really... if you are worried about how people see you then you always will be and it will be cyclical (like that comment you made about the "real" you) where the cycles get worse and worse and so it perpetuates itself.
But if you stop worrying and be confident then that will perpetuate itself too!
The real problem is crossing over from one side to the other because they are such different and far removed attitudes, there is no transition from one to the other, there is only a leap of faith.
Knowing those things is what allowed me to change so much.
Quote:Maybe it's because I get recognition for that
...well I think it is close to what you say. I think the definitive answer and reason why this makes you happy is that you find it interesting and that it is something you can share with people - the process of being able to share it with other people gives it so much meaning and gives you such a feeling of being at ease and being happy.
So you need to extend this to the rest of your life... how can you share the other aspects of your life with other people? I am asking myself the same question.
Quote:I always feel like im out of my league so i don't act on my feelings.
. I have felt like that too.
I'm so sorry about your bad experience with getting stood up like that... it would hurt your confidence. I've been through similar things, and my confidence got destroyed, that was last year but now I'm back to being confident. So I know just what it's like and I know how much it hurts.
Having no confidence in yourself is a sad thing... it might seem like you actually are confident in yourself but you aren't confident in how other people see you like they are two different things (this is what I used to think anyway) but they are really one and the same.
Hopefully what I said above can help you with this.
Self-belief is the most important thing in the world, without it life is terribly hard.
Time will heal that wound, but you need to be positive and hopeful. I never thought I would be confident again but time allowed this to happen.
Take small steps and measures to increase your confidence. Begin by talking to guys you have met before but don't know too well, then try making smalltalk with guys such as staff at stores, then try talking to guys you haven't met yet, then try harder things like showing interest in guys and take things from there. Do these things slowing and only progress from one thing to the next when you are comfortable. Your confidence will improve.
I'm so glad that you've been able to open up and talk about these things, it really does help.
I so just want to find someone I can love and like too. But you know what, this can be a bad thing to want. If you think that this will make you happy then you are mistaken, thinking this will only make you sadder and more lonely. You have to love yourself and be confident and have self-belief before other people can love you and believe in you. So if you don't first love yourself then it will make things very hard for you and make you feel worse. Also, once you love yourself your reason for wanting to love someone will change, it'll just seem different, you won't be thinking that you need it, you'll see it as a possibility for sharing your life. Maybe you already feel this, I'm not sure, but just make sure you realise that love alone won't make you happier.
Quote:Maybe this will be the semester I meet someone.
That's a great attitude to have
I'll re-post some things I wrote to Xellos in another thread because I think they will be helpful for you. It was intended for a guy so just change it to apply for a girl:
"I think that finding love is an interesting problem. I think the first step in solving it is to not say "tomorrow I want to find love" or "I am going to look for love" - instead you have to make sure that you will wait for it to just come to you... it is not a good idea to look for it.
This doesn't mean that you should not take any opportunities that arise, you should. But thinking this makes a difference in some ways.
Firstly, if you don't appear like you are looking for love you will find it much easier - simply because people are attracted to things they can't have... if a woman sees that you are not looking for love she will think you are unavailable or not looking and she will be more attracted to you this way. It seems strange but I think it is true.
Also it may help to calm your worries and fears a little bit, making you more approachable."
Well you yearn to be caressed and hugged... I yearn to caress someone and give them a hug, it tears me up inside, I just want to be able to hold a girl and stroke her face and hair. I think you should be comfortable with what you yearn for, it is normal, everyone is the same, we are just in a position where we can't have what we want and so it plays on our minds more.
Thanks for your kind words Collegekid. Well yeah I don't see myself as boring and uninteresting, but I think most people do. I still have a problem with how I think people see me but instead of worrying how they see me I just assume that people see me as some loser lol.
I have recently received compliments from a few girls, I've been more confident and relaxed and open because I kind of found myself a bit more and so took off any remnants of the mask I used to wear. I have trouble accepting what they say though, I should be positive but my self-confidence still isn't perfect. This is another cyclical thing because a low self-confidence makes itself worse.
I hope I am getting there and that a girl will take interest in me... but before then I have to be 100% confident in who I am or else I will have doubts and things like that. So the same thing applies to you!
I used to wish I had a different personality, I hated who I was, I hated every aspect of myself. I blamed who I was on the fact that I was a loser and a loner and had no friends. But really it was that attitude and self-disgust that caused it.
Today I love myself a lot, I don't want a different personality, I love the one I have even though it makes life tough for me and prevents people from getting close to me. I am just waiting for one person to like my personality and to embrace me for who I am.
Thanks for your post Collegekid, and thanks also to Xellos. It made me think a lot and has helped me
Most importantly it makes me feel less alone
Quote:I'm curious though, you said you have dismissed the idea of having a girlfriend (I've dismissed it to but can't commit to the dismissal and jump at any remote chance I might come across), how has that affected you? Do you feel better or worse? Why do you think it wouldn't work?
I don't know, I just don't think that is what I really need. The whole deal just seems like it is not what I should be striving for, and the process seems way too self centered and self absorbed.
Re: New and friendless
I understand what you are saying.
Finding a girl isn't the main thing I'm concerned with in life, but I know that there is a part of me that won't be touched if I don't find someone special.
I think that finding someone is quite a lot about giving as much as it is about taking so I think that is one positive thing about wanting it.
Also, we can strive for anything and achieve everything there is to achieve but if we don't meet someone to share it all with we will have a hole in our souls... people only get lonelier as they age, because of this. People can get anything they want but the one thing that alludes them will be the one thing that makes them miserable.
I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with seeking someone - it depends on one's motivations.
Re: New and friendless
Thanks "him". You had a lot of good advice and it makes me feel a lot better talking about my feelings than hiding them. I admire your courage for not being as self-conscious anymore...I've taken steps towards being more outgoing but I don't think I'll ever have the courage to stop caring how other people perceive me. It's a Catch-22...to be happy I have to make more friends, but to make more friends I can't be myself and therefore can't be happy. I know if people find out that I have no friends they'll think I'm weird and won't talk to me, and that's why I can never be myself. Whatever...I'll keep trying to work up the courage to be myself.
So anyway...what do you do on weekends? I was just wondering. Because when I don't have to work or have a basketball game, I sit in my room and watch tv or do homework or find games on the computer. Do you actually do things? Every once in a while I'll find something to do...maybe go to dinner with a teammate or to the movies with an aquaintance, but most weekends I have no where to go. Do you live on campus? Sometimes I think I'd be happier in an apartment because I feel like I have to hide from the people on my floor during weekends (I don't want them to know I have nowhere to go!). I hope I'm not sounding pathetic. I do actually talk to people on campus during weekdays and I have one or two "friends" to sit with during meals. You? It's funny that I have no real friends...deep down I really am outgoing and friendly. I think I show that to people...but for some reason I think maybe they only see me as some quiet girl that's too shy to talk to. Did you ever wish you could jump into someone elses head and see what they think of you? Just once I would like to know how people view me...because I think it's different than I view myself.
Dunebeetle...please don't dismiss the idea of having a girlfriend. it makes me upset to think that there are nice guys out there that are too shy to get the girl. Who knows...maybe you'll meet someone with a personality like yours and you two will recognize this and you'll start dating. I know that's my hope...that one day I'll find a guy who's not too outgoing and hasn't been around the block a million times. I don't think it's wrong to want a companion, as long as it's not all you think about.
I dunno...I just met a guy in one of my classes and I started talking to him...he seems kind of shy but he seems really nice too. Who knows...maybe I'll use all the advice I've been given on this forum and actually be come friends with this guy (or more?)...i hope :/ Any ideas on how to get him to see me outside of class?? I was thinking a study session, but I'm too afraid to ask him to do anything else. i know this forum isn't about dating...but any advice would be welcomed!!
Re: New and friendless
Hi coolegekid, I had forgotten about this thread! I'm glad there is still someone to talk to though
Well you've said you can't let people know you have no friends but really you can. I've done this once (with someone I know in person that is) and that person is the closest person to a friend in my life. They didn't think I was weird or sad or anything like that - they had already got to know me and saw I was a good person and so they saw me for what I was, a good person. Sometimes it is good to open up as it lets people get closer to you. Don't feel like you can't tell anyone - it will actually separate your true friends from the others, a true friend wouldn't care if you had any friends.
On weekends I sleep until the afternoon (the same as weekdays haha), go on the computer and hope that one person on my tiny IM list will come online so I can talk to someone, spend the day online just trying to distract myself from loneliness. I go outside to get some air and exercise otherwise I'd die on insanity I think. So I just hide in my room and have no contact with people haha.
So no, I don't do things
Sometimes when I am depressed I'll go to the shops and waste money on stuff I don't need, though usually it'll be online shops because I can't be stuffed going to the real shops haha.
I don't live on campus no, no one from my school lives near me.
When I'm in school I'm always the last person to get into classs/lectures and the first person to leave. I sometimes sit next to people I know, out of politeness really - I don't function in groups, I'm too quiet and can't interject with interesting things to say. I spend as much time away from school as possible and don't eat lunch on campus. I walk the routes where there are the least number of people and try to get out of there fast! Lol.
So I don't have "friends" to sit with at lunch, this is something I wish I had, I have a few people I will have a polite converstation with when I see them (e.g. "How are you? How was the weekend? Study for the test? Etc. Lol).
Deep down I'm outgoing and friendly too! I love to talk, but not once I know someone and when I am comfortable (like I said groups aren't my thing). I battle low confidence though and sometimes it happens at the worst time!
I do know a lot of people, I am friendly and so introduce myself to everyone haha. I do talk to people I meet when I see them around and it's usually pretty good, I guess a greater level of friendship doesn't develop when they have friends of their own because I'm not good at functioning in a group in a social way.
Well I'm relatively sure of how people view me, I've always been the victim of mean people and so I've always been told directly! Haha. People find me amusing, a big confident looking guy who speaks quietly and without sureness in his voice. They make fun of my semi-serious nature (where semi-serious is equal to mature, lol... I love to laugh, but it has to be funny! People just don't understand lol) and see me as a nerd because I choose to study and concentrate in class rather than talking and I don't like to party and have one night stands at parties.
The worst thing is the uncertainty in my voice, once people detect it they know I'm not happy and "different", I mean just quiet and reserved.
The worst scenario that happens is when girls seem to like me from first glances but then once they talk to me are turned off by my quiet and understated demeanour. The other day I saw a girl, pretty, I looked at her and she at me, I looked away, looked back and she was still looking into my eyes. It was nice you know, I knew I should have stopped and said hi but I was very sad that day, lonely, tired and without the will to go on. But do you know what was some comfort? I thought to myself, "she'd have boyfriend anyway". The best girls are always already taken.
I don't think your're being pathetic at all, I understand just what it's like.
I liked your advice to dunebeetle too, that's just what I am hoping for too. Especially the part about someone who hasn't been around the block a million times, to me it just seems like everyone gets with whoever possible whenever possible, I think that that sort of thing has a lot more meaning than people would let us believe.
I also don't want some super-outgoing girl, I guess I like reassurance and would want to know that I was the one who mattered in her life.
Well I'm so glad you've met a cool guy, hopefully he will turn out to be a great guy and maybe things will progress
I think a study session is a good start. It allows you to get to know each other without any pressure of expecting anything more and you can size each other up, so to speak. From there you can later start by getting coffee or lunch before a study session. From there anything could happen, a more formal date could occur with little fuss because you'd know each other quite well by this stage.
So I think a study session is a good first step and will allow you to see where you'd like to take things. Hopefully he would ask you to do something more too!
Be yourself, don't act like you have a million friends, don't be afraid to admit you "don't have any close friends" (a good euphamism I've used myself haha), don't be afraid you don't as yet do much on the weekend but would like to (hint hint... haha). You HAVE to show him who you are for him to like YOU, the real you - if you show him someone else it WON'T work out, I'm speaking from experience after experience, it just can't work out and will set you back months and months in confidence and belief.
If he isn't to giving with invitations then definitely take the lead, just suggest an innocent cup of coffee before your next study session (do it by text message even! Might be a bit easier, I've had to do this in the past, it is fine to do). Once you've done coffee or lunch then move on to something a bit more if you would like to, e.g. a movie, bowling, whatever it is you want to do.
One important thing to remember is that it is NOT ok for people to judge one another based upon how popular we are or what we get up to on our weekends. If someone does this then they aren't worth knowing, it's that simple. The people you will want to know are those who don't do this.
You're a cool person, if you hide that person from other people then that is bad! Don't hide yourself because you are wasting you're cool personality!
Re: New and friendless
this is kind of off the pint now but..
him said:
waiting there, for some miracle to happen
and Xellos agreed. Its not just you im like it too. This is our problem people!! We're just sitting back and waiting for somebody to waltz into our lives and sort them out indefinately. The chances of this happening are incredi ly slim. We need a better solution!!!!
Re: New and friendless
Yeah I know what you are saying, and everybody says it too.
I think that if you are on your own and you love yourself then that is all you can do and as good as you can feel. If you still feel empty then maybe what is missing is another person?
I can't think of another solution.
I can think of things to distract myself from feeling lonely, these are not as easy to find as you would imagine though because of taste in interests and preferred activities.
I don't want to be distracted from loneliness, I want it to end.
Maybe you don't think loneliness is the problem then? Even though I get down pretty bad I am ok most of the time and happy enough, especially with my self image, and so I don't see an obvious problem with myself, but maybe there is?
I haven't waited for someone to waltz in by the way - I met literally a hundred or more people last year by being unusally outgoing and social. I made a HUGE effort. But for one reason or another I am still friendless.
Re: New and friendless
Well...it's another lonely Saturday night. It's hard to forget how lonely you are when everyone around you is having fun. Oh well.
That thing you said about polite conversations in your last post...don't you hate that? There's no way to escalate that type of thing into a friendship...I've tried so many times. And what you said about eating with people at lunch...I avoid the dining hall because I don't want to eat alone, especialy not when people I know could see me alone and think I'm a loser. By the way...the best girls aren't always taken. If you take a chance, maybe you'll find a great girl that's not spoken for. I'm not one to give advice (I still am trying to find out if that guy from my class likes me :P), but you seem brave enough to give it a try. Personally, I'm trying to be myself with this guy, but I just don't have the guts to admit that I'm friendless. If you can show people your true self, then I'm sure you can handle anything. I know that would be a major, major step in my life.
Anyway...I've been feeling pretty down in the dumps lately. It's a long story...but the one person I would consider my friend here (I've hung out with her a lot this year but we have nothing in common and I get annoyed by her personality; i was just friends with her b/c it was nice to talk to someone) has really pissed me off and now we're not talking. So instead of eating alone 5 days this week, it can be 7. Whatever. I guess it's better to have no friends than one friend you hate?
By the way "hushed", I can't speak for everyone else but I know that I don't think meeting a guy will change my life and fix my problems. I think it will just make me happy for a day, week, or month...however long it lasts. At this point, any time spent with someone (especially intimate time) would be precious to me.
New and friendless
) understand me and so I would like to meet a loner girl like myself.
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