Inexperienced Chili Taster
THE INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
Notes from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas
from Boston
"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The
original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be
standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when
the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that
the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from
the event:"
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy @#%$, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's
the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed
to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me
the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look
on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have
been snorting Draino. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer
before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the
front part of my chest. I'm getting @#%$-faced from all the beer.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other
mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing
behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. gal is starting to look HOT, just
like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong
statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no
longer focus my eyes. I am starting to pass gas, and 4 people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off? It is really pissing me off that the other judges are asking me
to stop screaming. .
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and
peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric
inferno flames. I have just embarrassed myself as my intestines are blowing
up, and I'm now worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined
to stand behind me except Sally; she must be very uninhibited. I can't feel
my lips anymore and I want to wipe my ass with a snow cone . . .
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge
Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which has slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of a lava-like substance and
I cannot remember my name. At least during the autopsy they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's just too painful.
Re: Inexperienced Chili Taster
hehe nope franks not me, I'd eat jalapenos and habaneros before any type of sweets, the spicier the better, everythings better with a lil Tabasco sauce hehe.......Now im hungry....gonna go scrounge up some crawfish etouffee
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