I felt the baby move for the first time today. It felt more like bubbles that tickled rather than actual movement, but I'm sure that will change eventually. Andy and Mike have been as ever, kind and understanding to me anmd sometimes, it is beginning to seem as though they have both adopted me as another daughter like Pippa and Grace, though I prefer to draw the line at being classed with dogs. They are sweet enough though and I do enjoy playing fetch with them in the gardens.
12F have been making some strange requests again. I'm sure the Lady of the home is becoming incontintent, but it is not my place to say such things. The laundry room is coming along nicely now. Andy has kindly put two more machines in and a large dryer and press and next week, the repair person should be arriving to fix machine 1. I'm almost looking forward to that.
A almost ventured to the Rememberance Gallery again today, but stopped short of the gate again. I feel sucha coward, I know that I must face him eventually, but every time I make my mind up to go and see him, I remember what he called me and I falter. Perhaps it might be best I send hima letter instead. Then he would have the choice if he wanted to see me or not.
For now I must sleep.
Edited by: LadyRavenBird1 at: 8/1/07 9:05 pm
I haven't written for a few days and I apoligise for that, but I truly, honestly was not in the state of mind to do so. For you see, I had a visit the other day from a friend of Lawrence's. A truly hateful creature that still has me shuddering with fear now. Oh the things he said to me, it was awful. I dare not repeat some of it, but the very core of that small conversation was that I was a worthless wretch. I think he should have gained much pleasure should I have died that day..
I wrote my letter to Lawrence today, but no matter my efforts, I could not finish it. To be rather brutally honest, I cuold barely get past the first line. I never thought writing to someone could be so hard. I want to explain to him why I left and why I have not been to see him. I wanted to tell him how much I love him and to beg his forgiveness, but for all I tried, I just could not find the words to express how I felt.
While at dinner this evening with Michael and Andrew, I came across them in rather a strange situation. Seeing that they had made the effort to cook such a wonderful meal, they refused my offer to clean the dishes for them. They ordered me to the balcony to enjoy the evening while they cleaned up. Then I heard them singing together. It was a beautiful sound, though rather odd I must admit. One would never think to hear such a soft melody from two very obviously male men. Still, I could not resist peering in on them. I found them both stood washing the dishes and yet dancing at the same time. Stood side by side, hip to hip, Andrew with his hands in the sink, Michael with the cloth to dry them, they swayed together, singing their song. It was such a sweet, yet odd thing to see, clearly something a husband and wife deeply in love would do. At that, I found myself suddenly, and quite profoundly jealous and thought it best to let them be. I returned to my own domain.
As I invision the strange couple, I think I begin to find the words I am looking for to speak to Lawrence.
My darling Lawrence........
Edited by: LadyRavenBird1 at: 8/6/07 4:24 pm
Today has been rather tenuous. It seemed my descrete exit the other night offended Andrew. They had planned something for after dinner, of which I was strangely included. They were liking to discuss a recent spate of rather obsure poetry that has been published in a local journal, or newspaper as Michael calls them. My personal taste in such things aside, I think I wuold have enjoyed it nonetheless. Of course, I apologised profusely for my absence and agreed to attend the following night. The poetry was indeed very obscure and quite dark. I learned that a woman wrote it after losing her child. I felt suddenly quite fearful for my own as I read it. I spent today reading the poetry again, wondering if it were my own words and emotions drawn into the scryture and I found myself quite depressed. Though I forced myself not to cry. Simply, I continued with my work instead.
On a lighter note however, I managed to finish my letter to Lawrence. My seeming inability still to leave the complex left me with the choice of giving my letter to Andrew to post and some money for the paige, or whomever it is that delivers such things in this place. I felt strangely contented afterwards. perhaps it is hope that Lawrence may forgive me after all and ask to meet me again. I look forward to that and I understand that I must be gentle in what I have to inform him of. Our child is growing by the day now, I can feel it moving proper now. Andrew tells me it is because I am so small in person. I have decided to read up on Earth women in this regard as it may help me in what is to come. If Serian women and Earth women are anythign alike, I fear I have a long and painful journey ahead of me.
Andrew brought me some books the other day, from the local library on Earth women and biology. After reading for several hours, thankfully, that day being my free day, I have learned much. It appears that Earth women spend a little over 9 months being pregnant. That is almost the same as Serian women. It seems our biology isn't so different. Both races birth in the same manner, though I've discovered Earth women's labors are somewhat longer than Serian. For the average bitrh, it takes no more than two or three hours, but with Earth women, it can take days, especially for a first child. I find myself suddenly in great fear, but it does not disuade me from haviing this child. It matters not how much this child will hurt coming out, it only matters that it was created and will be loved all the same.
Michael surprised me today with a small gift from the local haberdashery. He calls it a boutique. What that means, I have no clue, as does the fact he says the word is French. I have much moer to learn about Earth people than I first thought. However, back to the matter. The gift was something for the baby. A beautiful 6-piece set that came in it's own delightful silk bag with ribbons and all. He told me he had bought white for he did not know the sex of the baby and of course, white fits for any sex. The set includes a stunning romper, some strange little vests that have what is known as poppers at the crotch, 3 in total, mittens, little boots, a hat and something called a baby-nest. It is a blanket that buttons up to make a bag at one end and a hood at the other. It is truly a wonderful gift and in the finest cotton I have ever seen.
I have received no word yet from Lawrence, though I czan understand he may be taking some time to consider my words. I hope he comes to a decision we can both agree to, even for the baby's sake alone.
Please forgive my tardiness, it seems everyone in the complex wished their laundry doing all at the same time and everything that could go wrong did go wrong. Andrew, Michael and I are still repairing the damage to this day. let me begin at the beginning as it were.
3 weeks ago, there was a flood in the basement. You've guessed correctly, Machine 1 broke down once again. The entire room was three feet under water. Michael and I baled out as much into the drains outside as we could, but it took us 2 full days to get down to a few inches. While we were doing that, Andrew was making constant calls for someone to replace the machine once and for all. No-one arrived. The water did a lot of damage to the building's structure and foundations so a contracter had to be called in to make the repairs. And what chaos that caused. The complex was filthy. Then, when we thought we had thigns under control, there was a violent storm that blew the electrics. For almost a week, we were left without power. Once again, Andrew contacted all the poeple he could to fix the problem. It turned out, the substation that feeds the complex was hit by lightening. The problem was fixed eventually and things seemed to be restored back to some sense of normality. Then, last week, Michael had a fall in the garden. He was watering some baskets over the main balcony and fell over it. Thankfully, nothign was broken, but the physician ordered him to stay in bed for a week or so and let his injuries heal. Poor Andrew had to deal with everything and tempers frayed quite often. Michael does not make a compliant patient. And now that everything has returned to normal, the tenants all wished their laundry doing. It has taken me nearly 4 days to do it all. I never thought so few people could go through so many clothes in such a short space of time.
However, at least I have been kept busy and the hard work has done me some good as I have not had the time to ponder on Lawrence. He has still not replied to my letter and I fear thigns are irreversably damaged between us now. Andrew has advised me to move on with my life now and think of myself for once. After the commotion of the last few weeks and now that the tenants are suitably clothed once more, Andrew has graciously given me some extra free time to spend how I wish, as well as quite a subtantial bonus in my wage. I have decided to spend it on things for the baby, though I have not yet he courage to leave the complex. Michael has offered to take me into the city countless times, but I keep refusing. He has labelled me agrophobic, whatever that means. So, I am saving my money for later.
Also, I have learned that today was something called All Fool's Day. I don't think I quite understand the meaning of it, but from what I have seen and heard about the complex, it is a day from pranks and jokes and general fun. I joined in what I dared, but for the most part, I kept my distance. Andrew believes I should become mroe involved in teh day to day life of the complex, get to know the other tenants and interact with them, make friends as it were, but I don't think I am of the same quality. Andrew and Michael are different, they are my employers. The tenants however, are a another matter. They pay for the services that are provided and most of them are what I would consider to be quite wealthy. I am not. I am paid to be here.
There is still no word from Lawrence, so I have come to the opinion that he wishes nothing to do with us. His companion has clearly visited him and poisoned his mind against me. Andrew believes it is for the best and I am beginning to agree with him. Obviously, I meant as little to him as his friend claimed. It is time to begin my life again. This new sense of self has finally led me to freedom. As in the sense I finally left the complex. It was not for long, only a few hours, but it was enough for now.
Michael came with me for support and took me shopping. With my saved moneiss, I have bought many things for myself and my baby. My apartment ahs become quite cluttered with the new items, even though it has two quite large bedrooms and living area. The baby now has many outfits, one for almost every day and in various different sizes. I feel my child will have enough clothes to see him or her far beyond their first year. I have also started stocking up on towelins and panties and also bottles so that Andrew and Michael may be able to feed the baby and give me a break. Already, it feels like I have moer than enough for the baby, even so soon, but Michael is quick to remind me that babies are very needy so I am sure I am far from done in buying the needs and wants etc. And he has informed me that I have not as yet chosen a carriage and crib. My head is spinning!
Things have been rather tense of late. It began with a small disagreement between myself and Andrew over my continuing distance. His efforts to help me make friends with the tenants has come to nothing, for I do not wish to interact with them. The disagreement turned into somehting of an argument and then quite a vicious shouting match between him and myself. He called me unsocialble and stuck-up. I called him selfish and egotistical. Andrew is not the usual type to willingly start a fight, even a fair one, so as you can imagine, it was rather hurtful to both of us. For a short time, I thought I might lose my job here and my home, but Michael has managed to calm thigns down a little. However, Andrew and I are still not speaking and I fear I may have lost his friendship.
Machine 1 has broken down yet again and flooded the basement so I am having to wash the clothes by hand in my bathtub. It is making life very hard at the minute and leaving me quite exhausted, but at least it is keeping me busy.
Happy days! After much talking between myself and Andrew, we have quelled our differences and are friends again. On certain points, we have agreed to disagree, but other than that, we are as we once were, which is making me quite contented again.
Also, I am discovering that my sickness is beginning to disipate somewhat. I have not been ill at all today and it has made quite an impact on my general state of mind. Also, I am discovering a strange liking for cranberries doused in honey. They are small red berries that have quite a bitter taste to begin with, but I feel I quite like them now.
My jeans are starting to become tight now, so I have had to take a trip into the city to buy some new clothes and my breasts are becoming quite tender too. Though I am not worried, it is only my body becoming accustomed to the baby. Speaking of which, I felt it kick proper for the first time today, It made me smile and cry all at the same time. I truly feel as though I am nurturing life now and it is a wonderful feeling. Still, I am contuing to feel a little sadenned by lawrence's absense. I feel he should be sharing this with me. But I would suppose he has made his choice and I have now made mine. Though I would never deny him concerning our baby, I feel he won't be a permenant prexsence in our lives.
My absense in writing is starting to become something of a habit, so I apologise for that in advance. It is just that I have found myself being kept quite busy with this and that and by the time I sit to write, I am too tired to think clearly. I am most positive my pregnancy has much to do with it.
12F are once again making some rather strange requests of me. Why anyone woudl wish their sheets starched so much is beyond me. I am sure they enjoy sleeping on boards than in a proper bed and the amount of bleach I have to use is utterly dangerous. I have taken the matter up with Andrew and he has forwarded it onto the tenants, but they have made it clear if their requests are not dealt with, they will simply stop paying their share of the duty charges. Now, considering their share is quite a large chunk of my salary, I am not in the mind to let them take their business elsewhere. So, that in mind, I have invested in some precautions against the dangers of handling such toxins.
Machine 1 has had to be repaired yet again and I have begged Andrew yet once more to have it replaced entirely. I think he may actually give in this time.
At last, the new machine has arrived! Just as Machine 2 decides to break down. Ho hum, such is life. Still, at least Andrew bought teh new machine form someone reputable this time.
I am feeling the baby move more and more as the time is passing and I now have quite a pronounced bump. Andrew is of the opinion that I should engage the services if a midwife now to keep a check, but I am reluctant. It would mean leaving the complex on a regular basis and I do not feel the want or need to do so. Everything I need is right here and all foods are delivered. And I do not need any new clothes as yet, the items I bought still fit, barely.
Last week, Michael and Andrew surprised me with what they call a baby shower. I was somewhat upset by it though as they had invited all the tenants and not informed me. Well, it was a surprise. All came bearing gifts for myself and the baby and everyone rather enjoyed themselves. However, it is not something I would care to repeat. As nice and curtious as they may all be, I prefer my own company, or that of Michael and Andrew. As a Lady in 10B has so stated, I am not a people person. I happen to agree with her on that point.
Meanwhile, Andrew is still trying to convince me to employ a midwife.
I have finally given in to Andrew's request. I have engaged a midwife and have my first appointment in 2 weeks time. I also decided to venture out into the city again, in Michael's shadow of course. I am needing some more new clothes again and some rather strange foods. After my fetish for cranberries, I am now suffering cravings for mashed potatoes with mint and butter. My bump is starting to feel a little bloated in the evenings. At least my sickness seems to have ended.
The Lady in 10B is starting to become somethign of an annoyance to me. She is insisting on me attending a religious gathering with her at the end of the week. Her views and my own differ greatly, so I cannot quite understand why this would be so important to her. Her belief is that there is only one true god and he died to save humanity. Her religion is called Christianity. But to make a point clear, it is not her religion I am finding annoying, it is her insistance that I attend her gathering with her. Perhaps I will go just to sate her desire, so I would suppose I am to wear my best clothes on that day.
As pleasant as today has been, I do not wish to ever repeat it. The Lady in 10B, her name is Beryl by the by, and myself went to her religious gathering. There were not many there, so I am of the opinion this religion is either rather new here, or it is not something that is so liberally practiced. We sang songs that were called hymns and I watched quite wide-eyed as the followers knelt in rows and said prayers aloud to their god. Though I respect all religion in one form or another, I felt it clashed too greatly with my own religion and I felt quite uncomfortable and cornered. Still, I am curious to learn more, even though I do not wish to follow the religion itself. It seems something that is uniquely Earth-based.
For now though, I am just glad that today is over with and I wont have to leave the compound again until early the week after next for the midwife. I am somewhat nervous about being examined as I have heard that it is quite intrusive in nature and I regard my privates as just that, private.
I think I have insulted Beryl, the Lady in 10B. She invited me to attend her religious gathering again, but I politely declined her offer. I think I remained respectful and all, but she still seemed deeply hurt and angered by my refusal. Perhaps it is because she is aged and set in her ways. Perhaps I am too set in my own ways. I care not to think on the matter and I hope Beryl will accept my apologies eventually.
In a few moer days, I am to see my midwife for my first check-up and I am growing ever mroe nervous. And to compound that, Andrew is also becoming rather anxious too. He and Michael have requested I join them for dinner tonight as they wish to discuss something with me. I hope it has nothing to do with Beryl, I can only apologise so many times to the kindly woman. I suppose I will find out later tonight why they wish to see me.
Edited by: LadyRavenBird1 at: 8/6/07 6:30 pm
I am finding it difficult to write what I feel today. As much as I tried to concentrate on my work, I have been greatly distracted and have caught myself daydreaming when I should be drying laundry.
The meal that Andrew and Michael requested I attend held a hidden motive that both men have kept a tight secret for some time now. For over a month now, they have been discussing my person between them. It is nothing so seedy as you may think however. In fact, it is something quite honourable that they have offered me. They have asked that with my permission, they will engage legal council and adopt me as their own daughter. I admit, I have become close to them greatly in my time here and they have been as caring and devoted to me as any parental figures. But to think they would do this for me has quite knocked me off my step.
I am uinsure still as to what to do, but I feel I would like them to adopt me. I have grown to look upon them as fatehr figures and they have taken an active role in my life as fathers would. I am finding the idea of belonging to a family again quite appealing. I still think their relationship as men quite baffling to my understanding, but it is something I have become accustomed to and it rarely bothers me now. I only wish they would keep the noise down a bit when they are coupling, but let us not travel to that for now.
Andrew has discussed the matter quite liberally with me. Leaglly, it would be Andrew that would adopt me and become my father as it maybe unlikely they would recognise Michael in the same manner. It would be a simple process. The legal party would speak with me privately about the matter and ask my opinions and it would move from there. The more I think of it, the more I am finding it a good thing to let happen.
My day had started out quite well. My appointment with the midwife had been fruitful and by all standards, myself and my baby are healthy. She started up a file on me so she could keep a check on my progress, measured my bump to guage the size of the baby, checked my height and weight and gave me a diet plan as she thought me to be a little anemic. I am eat more fruit such as oranges and bananas to keep my health up and I am to work a little less to stop myself becoming so ehauisted. She then wrote a letter for Andrew as he is considered my guardian and sent me on my way, to appear before her again next month for another check-up.
Of course, Andrew was delighted to receive hard evidence that both me and the child were healthy and I allowed myself to call him my father for the first time. That was when it all turned sour. Lawrence came to see me, but left again before actually seeing me. By which I mean, he came to the complex to see me, but suffered cowardice and ran off. I know now how he felt when I ran away.
The whole event has left me empty and depressed and I did not wish to see anyone afterwards. The flowers that Lawrence brought me are arranged simply in a glass vase on my balcony, but I am rather confused as to why he was here. It has been nearly 2 months I thin since I sent him my letter. Did it truly take him that long to work up the courage to see me? Only to run away again at the last minute? I fell lost again and confused. I don't know what to think or do.
I have not felt the incling to write lately. Lawrence's visit has left me deeply depressed and at a loss for what to do with myself. I talked long and hard with Andrew and Michael over the matter, but they seemed to be somewhat cagey about it. Something is not right.
I am feeling the baby move more and more now, mostly at night when I am trying to sleep. My bump is very pronounced now and I have been told that the baby makes it through the door now well before myself. This has led some of the tenants to speculate that the baby is male. How they have come to this conclusion I have no idea, but I have discovered they are beginning to run a bet on me as to the baby's sex and my due date. Both of which I will not reveal. After all, a bet is a bet and I have a sum of money on it myself. I have bet that I am having a boy and I will birth in early October.
Andrew's lawyers have been to visit today, though I have not much felt like talking to them. They came to discuss the matter of my adoption. Everything was explained to me, though I found my shoulder being shook gently a number of times. Andrew apologised profusely on my behalf and the meeting continued. I signed the papers and am now legally known as Chance Harrison. Even if it is only on paper
It has also come to the attention of boht my new fathers that I haven't actually spoken a word since Lawrence's visit. Personally, I haven't noticed. One could say I've just blocked it all out, but the fact remains and I have realised this too, I have not said a word openly beyond my own mind and this jounral. And, as such, Andrew, as my father, is becoming worried. I still have this feeling that something is very wrong, but I cannot for the lfie of me, fathom what it is.
The midwife has come to see me instead of me going to see her for this appointment. I refuse point blank to leave the complex now and I care not for what others think of the matter. I still have kept my silence and I refuse to speak, even in recognition. What is the point? The last time I spoke, the one person I wanted to hear me wasn't there. The midwife has shown concern for my mental state and has openly said that I am deeply depressed and meloncholic. She recommends that I take it easy and get some sun and relaxation and no more heavy lifting. I guess 12F are going to have to bleach their own sheets from now on.
Michael brought me another gift for the baby, hoping it would at least get a smile out of me. He succeeded, barely. He came home with a small white cradle that swung side to side by brackets at either end, all dressed up in fine white cotton and lace. It is very sweet and I've covered it against dust in teh spare room, ready to be used when the baby arrives.
I'm finding that I'm sleeping a lot more lately. Often, I find it has turned into late morning by the time I wake, sometimes even early lunchtime. And most of the time, I have fallen asleep again by dusk. I have no incling anymore to do much save for sit on my baclony and watch everyone else go abotu their daily lives. Another tenants has graciously given me a rocking chair that I spend most of my time in now. I sent them a small fruit basket in thanks, still keeping my usual distance and I wave to them on occasion when I see them from my balcony.
There have been some very violent storms of late in Genil. Mostly in the evening right now and I find myself sat watching them, my soul feeling as dark as the sky turns. The electric has been faltering a few times during the storms and I've learned now to turn everything off when one comes so I don't blow any fuses. Add to that, the incredible heat that seems to be building. The baby complains about it as much as I do, for it is forever moving about and kicking me where it hurts. I almost shouted at it this morning, but managed to stop myself short. It isn't the baby's fault its hot and uncomfortable and so I end up blaming myself.
Another storm is coming. I'm watching it break over the horizon and it looks to be a big one. Time to light my candles again.
There was a huge mudslide on the outskirts of the city last night. It seems these storms are beginning to take their toll. The heat is still unbearable and the complex, because of the small pond, is swarming with mosquitos. I must look like I have the pox or something, I'm covered in bites. Thankfully, Andrew has brought me some quinine to remove any risk of malaria. In Serin, that is a huge killer during the summer months.
I've been thinking a lot on Lawrence lately and that bad feeling just won't go away. I can feel something is terribly, terribly wrong and it is really bothering me that I don't know what it is. Almost every evening so far this week, Andrew and Michael have comes to my apartment with dinner, but I rarely have an apetite these days. All I want to do is sleep and with this heat, I'm having many dizzy spells. Michael has installed a fan next to my bed to help keep me cool at night, but with these storms, it isn't working much.
The baby is getting big and heavy now and I no longer walk apartantly. It has been decided that I now waddle. And to top it, I feel just like a cumbersome goose.
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